Originally, I used this site to blog about my cancer journey. But, I have faced so many more challenges than just cancer. So, my blogging venture continues. Last April, I started out on a new journey. Normally, I find journeys to be exciting. But, this venture was different. This journey had me terrified. This would be the start of me being a single mother. April 7, 2017 As I pulled up to the court house, I was shaking. I parked my car and stopped to take a few deep breaths. I glanced in the rearview mirror and told myself I could do this. All I had to do was walk in to the courthouse and file for custody. I got out of my car, walked over to meter, and paid for parking. I remember the security guard making a joke about my wallet being full of receipts and suggesting that I get a box to keep the receipts in. It didn't take long for me to figure out where I needed to go and what papers I needed to file. When I was finished, I practically ran out of the court house. I pulled away from the courthouse and rushed home. I had to get the girls, myself and a few of our belongings out before their dad - who for the sake of his identity will be called Mr. Miserable or Mr. M - came home. You see, life was not the facade I put up on facebook or instagram for the world to see. Life was a struggle. Life had become what it was prior to cancer. But this time, not only was I being affected by the behaviors of Mr. M, but so were my children. When Mr. M came home, a few men from my church were sitting in my living room with me. I had them there because I did not know what reaction I would get. I told Mr. M that I was leaving and that I had filed for custody of our children. I would be going to a safe house. Now, Mr. M doesn't get his name from being Mr. Happy Pants, so you can imagine the response I received. He muttered a few things, took off his wedding ring and threw it at my head. I ducked just in time and the ring bounced off the window and fell to the window sill. Mr. M. stormed out of the house, slamming the door and squealing his tires, as he pulled out of our driveway. I was shaking. I was terrified. But, at the same time I was relieved. The hardest part was over. Or so I thought. Fast forward ten months and here we are. I am sitting on my couch that was given to me. Staring at my computer screen. My house is in shambles, for the umpteenth time this week. Yes, I said week. One of my darlings, has been pooping her pants at least 3 times so far this week. Not because she is sick, but because she doesn't want to stop whatever it is she is doing to go to the bathroom. I mean come on. It is much easier to have mama clean it up for you. Now, I have a bathroom to clean. A mountain of laundry to fold and put away. On the bright side it is washed. Children are grounded and not listening. Chores are going undone. It is like my darlings are tag teaming with each other to take a day to be not-so-darling. And here I am facing a screen and crying. Everything falls on me. Not that it didn't before, I mean, I was basically a married single parent. But, this week has me at my wits ends. This week I find myself wondering where my strength will come from. I don't say all of this to sound like I am complaining. I say that because each day life brings us challenges. Challenges are not just when we are sick. This new challenge I am facing is hard. Much harder than I thought it would be. But, with the help of friends, who let's face it - are more like family - I am learning to stand up for myself again. I am learning bring order back to my unruly crowd. I am learning to take back the reigns and be the mother they deserve. So, Thank you to my friends and family who are on this journey alongside me. Thank you for speaking your mind, knowing it may hurt. I will accept what you say. Life's challenges are hard, but, they sure are easier when you have a village to fall back on. Thanks for standing by me and being with me each step of the way. Sincerely, One Hot Mess Mama.
Today was a day that I thought would never come. But here it is. How many people do you know that are completely thrilled to go to chemo? Well, you now know one! ;) I was practically skipping in today. Yes, this girl, who is petrified of needles, cheerfully sat down to get poked by what I like to call "the hook".
Today doesn't mark the end of my cancer journey, but it does mark the end of my chemo. I still have a PET scan and small surgeries to go. But after all I have been through, I know I can do anything. After all, I have the best cheerleader on my side, Jesus Christ. It is only through the grace of God that I have made it.
People say "Everything happens for a reason". I firmly believe this. Cancer was not only my sickness, it was my saving grace. It brought me back to God. Cancer also brought so many amazing people into my life. People who I would depend on to keep me, and my children, healthy. I have been truly blessed by the outpour of support from old friends to new friends and most importantly my family. Cancer also helped me see that negative people are not meant to consume so much of your life. I have had to pull away from some relationships. I have pulled away from those who told me "It's just cancer. Lots of people go through it. You're not the only one. Get over Chemo". All this was poisonous. I realized that sometime - no matter how much you love some people or care for them - sometimes, it is okay to put your needs over theirs. Sometimes, you have to walk away.
I have heard so many times "God doesn't give you more than you can handle". No verse in the Bible says this. I've looked. I think the verse that is most often misquoted is 1 Corinthians 10:13 (American Standard Version) “There hath no temptation taken you but such as man can bear; but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation make also the way of escape, that ye may be able to endure it”.
So, you see, God will give us more than we can handle. He won’t tempt us above what we are able. He wants us at our weakest point, so the only place we have to turn to is Him. Look at Job. He was wealthy, had a family, was favored in the eyes of God. One day he lost everything, his family, his cattle, his fortune. But, in the midst of his storm, he still gave God glory. Who does that? Another example, Paul. Three times Paul pleaded with God to take his "thorn" away from him. God answered Paul with "My grace is sufficient for you".
Has anyone ever teased you or verbally hurt you to the point you are crying? To the point you are begging, no pleading with them to stop? I have been there. I imagine Paul felt very alone. Like God had turned His back on him. But you see Paul wasn't fully submitting to God.
Last January, I became very ill. I ended up in the ER. My numbers were low, but the doctor felt my staying in a hospital would hurt me more than help. I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I became very weak. I felt like a failure and that God didn't care. He had forgotten about me. My prayers had turned from "please, heal me" to "Lord, just take me home". I begged God to take me to heaven. This battle was too hard. I didn't see how I could go on. But, that was my problem. I was trying to carry on. Alone, I am nothing. But with God I am strong.
God was trying to get my attention. I wasn't listening. I had fallen way, way.............way off the path. But what I have learned is this: only God can turn your "mess" into a "message". God wants us at our weakest, so that we depend on him fully. Some of us - like myself - are more bullheaded and take a little longer to understand what God wants. But when you do, when you finally let go and let God. When you reach that point of trusting him fully, you feel joy.
I want to take a moment to thank all those who have supported me.Thank you to all who prayed, wrote me cards, sent me small gifts, called just to check on me, held fundraisers for me,sent me messages on facebook to see what the latest was or let me vent. To those who helped renovate our home and helped clean my home, I thank you.
A special thank you to my parents, who took the girls and I in for most of my cancer treatments. Thank you to my siblings for giving up some of their space so that me and my girls could feel at home. A huge thank you to Allison, April, Mack, LeeAnn and Bobbie. You all cared for me and my children. You helped give hope to my children while they were scared. You bathed them, fed them and let them know it was okay to be afraid.You held my children while they cried because "mommy was sick". You reassured them that I was going to be okay. You were there for them. You all started as friends, but now are more like sisters to me. I am so blessed to have all of you in my life. Ally and April, thank you for driving me and the girls to Arkansas. For anyone who has never been in a car with four small children,just picture a small circus confined to an SUV. This was a huge blessing.
A special thank you to my Chemo Angels for making me feel so special. Your timing was always perfect.
Thank you to the members at Mount Pleasant for making me a part of their family. Y'all have been so wonderful to me and my family. I, no me and my family, have been so blessed by all the love felt from so many people.
One year ago today, I was sitting in the doctor's office. The room was a crisp clean white. Very little was on the walls. My babies were sitting on the floor reading books they had brought with them. While I waited for the doctor to come in and tell me my biopsy results, I kept telling myself "everything is fine". Little did I know my whole world was about to change. The way I viewed life in general, the way I loved my children, the way I loved my God. The words "You have cancer" changed my whole world. At the time I was diagnosed, I thought cancer was horrible. On my body, yes, cancer was and still is horrible. There are days cancer takes its toll on me. But reflecting on this past year I have learned so much about myself. I have learned just how strong I can be. I value the time I have with my children. I have learned that children not only need rules, they also need someone to listen to their fears. Someone to hold them tight and tell them things will be ok. They need to know that nothing is too big for God. I have learned that people will surprise you and people will disappoint you. I have learned how some people are sympathetic to cancer and some people just brush it off, like it is nothing. Cancer also brought so many wonderful people into my life. My doctors,people I have never physically met, people i worked with, people from LPPC and people I go to church with now have all been so kind and thoughtful. I have made so many friends on this journey. Some friends have become family I could go on and on about what positives I see in my own life, but I won't. I just want you to understand that there truly is a silver lining, sometimes you have to look harder. When life seems hard look for the positives. You might be surprised to find that life will surprise you What scared you could bring you happiness.
How fitting that this song came on my iPod. The words of the
chorus ring so true. “There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and
no more fears. There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no
more, we’ll see Jesus face to face. But until that day, we’ll hold on to you
always.
These past few weeks have been rather rough. I went for
chemo on the 27th of June and my numbers and platelets had dropped.
Yesterday, I went to see my cardiologist and my ejection fraction rate had gone
down. I am not going to lie. I was a little frustrated and angry with God. I
felt like screaming “Okay Lord! I think I have had enough! I think my children
have endured enough!” I mean He is
the Great Physician, right? If He wanted to He
could make me all better. He could
rid my body of cancer. Then “There Will Be a Day” by Jeremy Camp, came on my iPod
and I started to think. If God did heal me right away, then how would I tell
others of what the Lord has done for me and my family?
What will my children say one day when they look back on
these days? Will they say “Mama cursed God for allowing her to have cancer?
Mama was angry with God for allowing bad results.” Or will my children say “Mama
gave God the praise even in the midst of the storm? Mama went to her knees
begging God to heal her body and to bring her counts up.” When troubles come
their way will they go to their knees? What example am I setting for them?
I am not stating that God gave me cancer. He is my Heavenly Father. What parent, in their
right mind, would give their child a disease or intentionally cause pain? Can’t
think of anyone, can you? That is because, as parents we do not want to cause
our children pain. We try to protect them from harm. When I was first diagnosed
with cancer thought God was punishing me for something I had done or had not
done. I once thought (and yes, I am ashamed of it) “Some great God you are. You
could heal me if you wanted to!” But after talking with a friend about my fears
of being punished, I realized how wrong I was. Jill Kelly stated at Women of Joy
“without TESTing there is no TESTIMONY”. God has a purpose for my life. He is not
finished with me yet.
Some of you, maybe a lot of you, who read my posts, do not
believe in God. Maybe it is because you can pin point a time in your life when
you poured your heart out to God, begging for him to heal a loved one, or to
bring you out of a financial rut. Maybe you asked God to give you something you
so desperately needed or wanted? You can pinpoint a time when God “let you down”.
But, you see, God does not always answer
our prayers how we think He should.
Sometimes it is better for our loved ones to leave this world, so they will be
in no more pain. Sometimes God wants us to learn to lean on Him to be our
provider for whatever our need may be.
If you do not believe in God, then I pray for you. There will be a day when this world will be no
more. There will be a day when Jesus returns (Revelation 1:7 NIV "Look, He
is coming with the clouds," and "every eye will see Him, even those
who pierced Him"; and all peoples on earth "will mourn because of
him." So shall it be! Amen). When that day comes, I know beyond a shadow
of a doubt where I will go. Do you? When
Jesus comes again, my body will have no more pain, my heart will have no more
suffering.
So, you see, God did not give me cancer. But, He did choose
to not heal me right now. “Things happen for a reason. We may not see it now.
We may see it a few years down the road, or we may never see the reason. But
God always has a purpose.” My mama and daddy have said this phrase a thousand times! You would think I
would get it by now. No worries, Mom and Dad, I think it is finally sinking in.
There is a reason God has allowed cancer to turn my life and my family’s life
upside down. He has a purpose for me.
Though they are small now, He has a purpose for my children. The joy is “There will be a day with NO more
tears, NO more pain, and NO more fears”. There will be a day “we’ll see Jesus
face to face.” I am ready for that day……….are you?
My friend, Hell is real.
Revelation 14:11 - And the smoke of their torment will rise
for ever and ever. There will be no rest day or night for
those who worship the beast and its image, or
for anyone who receives the mark of its name.”
Revelation 20:14
states “Death and Hades were thrown into the lake of fire. The lake of fire is
the second death.”
If you do not
know 100% where you will go when you leave this world, I beg you to look for
the answers. Open your Bible. If you do not own one go online and find a Bible
the answers are there. (www.biblegateway.com NIV easy version to read)
The ABC’s of Salvation
A.) Admit you are a sinner. Repent or turn away
from your sin
Romans 3:23 – “For all have
sinned and fall short of the Glory of God.” – we are all sinners. We were born
that way. I do not care who you are, no one is perfect.
Romans 6:23 – “For the wages
of sin is death, but the Gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our
Lord. – There is a punishment for our
sin. Hell. But God sent his only son, Jesus, to be the Savior of the
world. Jesus died on the cross to save us from our
sin so that we may go to Heaven to live with Him eternally. It is God’s gift to us. All we have to do is
take it. If I offered you a present, wrapped
up for your birthday, all you have to do is reach out take it or accept it. Same
is true with God’s gift of Salvation.
1 John1:9 – “If we confess our sins, He is
faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all
unrighteousness.” and Acts 3:19 – “Repent, then turn to God, so that your sins
may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.” These two
verses tie together. If we confess our sins to our Heavenly Father, He will
forgive us. I am not saying you need a fancy prayer. Just talk to Him, like a
friend. He will wipe our slate clean. How awesome is that!
B.)Believe
–Trust that Jesus is God’s son and that God sent Jesus to save people form
their sins.
Romans 5:8 – “But
God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners,
Christ died for us.”
Acts
4:12 – “Salvation is found in
no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to mankind by which
we must be saved.”
John 3:16 – “For God
so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believes
in Him should not perish, but have eternal life.”
I Peter 3:18 – “For
Christ died for sins once in for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to
bring you to God He was put to death in the body but mad alive by the spirit.”
John 14:6 – “Jesus answered;
I am the Way, the Truth, the Life. No one comes to the Father except by me.”
All these verses have
something in common. They all tell about God loving us so much that He gave the
ultimate sacrifice, His son. Jesus is the way to Heaven. Jesus is the truth we
seek, and Jesus is life. Only by His saving grace can we go to Heaven. There are no gimmicks or tricks. Jesus dying
on the cross was a gift. It is not something we can earn.
C.)Commit –Give your
life to Jesus. Ask Him to be your Lord and Savior.
Romans 10:9-10 – “That if you confess with your mouth,
Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you
will be saved. For it is with your heart
that you believe and are justified and iti is with your mouth that you confess
and are saved.”
Romans 10:13 – “For everyone who calls on the name of
the Lord will be saved.”
Matthew 16:24 –“Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘If
anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and
follow me.”
The last thing you have to do to accept God’s
wonderful plan of salvation is to commit yourself to him. We all know right
from wrong. We were born with the natural instinct to differentiate between the
two. When you commit yourself to God,
you are denying yourself or turning away from worldly pleasures. Things that may be fun, but you know in your
heart to be wrong.
God’s gift of salvation is just that…….a gift. He is
waiting for you to let him into your heart. Are you willing to let him in.
If you are willing and ready to receive God’s free
gift of salvation, then I have posted a prayer. It is just an example of what
you can say. There is no right or wrong
prayer that can be said.
Lord Jesus I
know I am a sinner. I believe you died
for me on the cross so that I might be saved. Right now I ask You to forgive me
of all my sins. I open my heart to You.
Come into my heart
Lord Jesus. I take this very
moment in my life to receive you as my Lord and Savior.
Thank you, Jesus,
for forgiving all my sins, and giving me eternal life.
Let my life be
dedicated to you Jesus, and help me to be the kind of person you want me to be.
Help me to decrease
in myself and increase in you Jesus.
Amen!
Once saved, there is nothing
you can do to lose your salvation.
Titus 3:5 – “Not by works of
righteousness which we have done but according to his mercy he saved us, by the
washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost.
No matter how good a person
you are there is nothing you can do to earn
God’s free gift of salvation. In the same manner, there is nothing you can do
to lose God’s free gift. I am not saying you will be perfect now that
you have accepted his free gift. We are all still sinners. I still make mistakes. I still sin. But God is merciful and just
to forgive me of my sins.
I have not posted as much as I would have liked to. It is hard to find the right words to say. I am afraid of sounding weak and vulnerable. I am afraid of letting other people down. I am the not the one who normally needs help. I have always enjoyed helping others. It is hard for me to accept that, sometimes, I do need help.
I have had so many mixed emotions that each day can be a battle. Sure, I have my good days. There are more good days than bad days. But there are days when I sit and think "How am I an inspiration to people? What do they see in me that I don't see?" There are days when I am just so tired. Tired of the medicine, tired of having to go to doctor appointments. And then there are my darkest days when I think "This battle, I am fighting, is so hard. Is it even worth fighting anymore." But on my darkest days my sweet babies remind me why I am fighting this battle. Whether it is their fat little arms squeezing my neck, hearing "I love you" in such a sweet voice or that extra cuddle time. It reminds me that it is all worth it.
Many of you know that I had a scare a few weeks ago. The doctor discovered fluid in my pelvis. Given my medical history he found this a little alarming. So, he ran tests. Praise God they all came back clear of cancer! Since, I have breast cancer, I am also at risk for ovarian cancer. After discussing it with my doctors, we have all decided it best to go ahead with a full hysterectomy. I am scheduled tomorrow morning at 7:00.
The night before surgery is always the hardest. My mind gets away from me. I start the "What if" game. What if the doctor finds something? What if something goes wrong? What if I don't wake up? This is probably my biggest fear.
You see, I want to be here for my children. I want to see them grow up. I want to be there for all their graduations. I want to see them fall in love, to see them get married. To see them be mothers. Who will teach them about God? Who will make sure they attend church and Sunday School? Who will tuck them in at night? Who will kiss away their pain? Who will read them Bible stories at night and say their bed time prayers? All these things race through my mind as I try to fall asleep. I hate it. I hate not having control of a situation. I am a planner, an organizer. I like to know the precise timing of everything.
In these times, where fear overcomes me, I can hear my parent's comforting words of wisdom, "Whatever happens is in God's hands". How true this is. He has brought me this far. Lord willing, He will continue to carry me through. So, I will turn in for the night. I will snuggle with my precious, Willow. In the morning I will sneak a kiss on each of my girls heads and I will whisper "I love you" as I leave for surgery. Knowing that I am not in control.....God is.
Today is day 16 of radiation, but who's counting? When I was first diagnosed, I didn't think I could handle the radiation. People told me that it would not hurt. Doctors told me I would feel sunburned. What no one can prepare you for is the loneliness.
The room is cool and dark. There is a table, much like a petscan with a huge circular drum which goes completely around the table. One ceiling tile is replaced with a lovely garden scene. No one is in the room with you, but they can see and hear you through the cameras.
I will never forget the first day. I was shaking.While lying there I fought back the tears. I was scared of the unknown. Scared that this would hurt even though I was told it wouldn't. Scared of being all alone in that big room. I remember thinking "What if something goes wrong?". "Will anyone hear me if I yell?" I was like a small child just wanting my mom to come hold my hand. But know one can be with you in the room.
While lying on the table is getting easier, each day is getting harder on me physically. I am finding myself not wanting to do anything but sit on the couch. It reminds me of the "hard chemo" days when I would sit on the couch being a "couch potato".
The joy I can find is that these days of exhaustion will not last forever. I will regain my strength. I long for the day where I can enjoy a walk with my girls to see Rosie, my parent's horse. Or the day when I will feel up to taking walks around the property exploring. Or the day when I will have energy to jump on the trampoline. I will look back on these days as stepping stones that made me that much stronger.
A lot has happened since my last post. I have been afraid of how people would react to what I said or misconstrue what I said. But then something happened. Last night, Nellie, came to me crying. "Misty called me a meanie pants!" (Now most of you will want to slap me because you have said the same thing to me, that I said to Nellie.) I hugged her and said "Honey, you can not let Misty's words affect you like this. They are just that words. People will say mean things to you throughout your whole life; but you can not let it bother you like this. Know in your heart that you are not a meanie pants." (I told you you would want to slap me.) You see, I have been focused on how others look at me or how others will think of me if I say or do something they do not agree with. But, I should not worry what others say about me, or how other people react to something they can not control. In the end, I am the one who lives with what I do or what decision I have made. The only person I should worry about is Jesus and His thoughts. So let those that think they know best do just that think they know best. Two days after we moved in with my parents, my dad found lice in Misty's head. And by lice I don't mean the beginning of lice the small hard to see bugs and nits. I mean the nits and the BIG bugs. (I know! EEEWWWWW! So gross!) He, then, checked the other girls. Nellie and Sadie were fine, but Willow had lice as well. I, of course, started to think I was failing as a mother. I mean if I missed something so simple as lice, what else was I missing with my children. I expressed my frustration to my mother. My mother told me I was being to hard on myself. I had just gone through very hard chemo, had bronchitis, and was trying to care for sick children (the last week I was in PA I had been in and out of doctor offices with sick kids). She told me to give myself a break! She, of course, was right. I had been on my couch almost the whole month of January. I only had left my cozy spot to take the children to the doctor. I didn't even go to church. I was not the only one caring for them. So, I could not take full responsibility for missing this. Once we arrived at my Mom and Dad's, I wasted no time in enrolling the girls in school. I did not want them to fall behind. We arrived on a Monday and they were in school by the end of the week. Nellie and Misty have adjusted well to their new environment. They love their new school and have already made friends. Noelle wants to play softball because a few of her friends are playing. I noticed, Nellie, was struggling with reading and math. Back home she did see a tutor for reading, which seemed to be helping her. I must say, I loved the charter school they were attending back home, but I noticed that Nellie was starting to shut down. Homework was like a dark, unwelcome black cloud. Every time I said "time to do homework" we both would cringe. She always struggled with homework and by the time she was done I was ready to put my head through a wall. At her new school, Nellie was tested and placed on the lower end of reading. I thought she would have been right on course or maybe a little higher since she was at such an outstanding school. Unfortunately, she is a few points lower than where she should be for reading. Learning should be fun. It should make a child want to learn, not have knowledge shoved down their throats. This is why I miss homeschooling. If the girls were having an off day, we would close the books and put school away. Children should have a desire to learn. Things are better retained when there is a want for knowledge. My mom, who taught me until 9th grade, is working with Nellie on her reading and math. I have been debating holding Nellie back. She would be in class with Misty then. But then I started to over think things. What would people say? What would they think of me? They would know how I have failed Nellie during this past school year by not diligently working with her. By not seeking the help she needed. No worries, again my mom and dad stepped in. They told me that I, again, was being to hard on myself. I had surgery prior to them starting school, and had been undergoing harsh chemotherapy treatments. I needed to not be so hard on myself. Others could have done the things that I was being so hard on myself about. (stop shaking your heads in agreement! I know they are right!) I want to applaud Josh for seeing the need for help. He saw that he could not care for me and 4 small girls on his own. He was seeing the bigger picture.He saw my weakness. He saw that if he sent me to my mom and dad's without the girls, then he might as well have thrown dirt in my face. My girls are my world. He also realized that he was one person and it was too hard to care for 4 small girls alone. I jumped at his idea to send us here. Others may knock us down for the decison. But one thing people need to realize is this. I had some help from people, but it was not enough. I needed someone to be there the time Josh left for work until he came home. I needed help with getting the girls ready for school, feeding them breakfast, playing with babies during the day so I could rest. I needed help with laundry, cooking, and cleaning. So, shame on you who want to put the blame on me, the sick one, for not calling people for help. People who had time and knew I was sick could have called me. The last thing on my mind was trying to find my phone, which is mostly dead, and trying to find someone to help everyday. Shame on you who thought it best for my family to move to Pa to help out. You wanted my dad, who has an excellent job and works from home, to find a job and my mom, who works at the school the girls attend, to find a job in Pa with this economy. Excuse me for this, but, ARE YOU CRAZY?!?! And you wanted mom and dad to leave two children behind at college, one is hearing impaired and used to being home on the weekend and the other still lives at home, as well as uproot their other two children still in middle school and High school! Shame on you. I think people need to think about the bigger picture before putting their two cents in. I believe, I am right where I need to be. I have my mom, my dad, my sister Ruth (on the weekends), My brothers, Luke and Micah, and my sister Rebekah. That is six, sometimes seven, sets of hands to help hold, feed, bathe, do homework, help with laundry and play with the girls. That is six, sometimes seven, sets of eyes to take notice of eating habits, see what the girls are into, to see if the girls have lice or see if the girls need extra help with a subject. We received a lot of nonsense over the decision to move me and the girls to Arkansas. But in my eyes it was the best decision. People will say things that may be hurtful or selfish. But that is just what they are words. They hold no value. I have a fantastic support group right here. I am right where I need to be. I had a wonderful medical team back home, but here I think I have an even better team. I am under the care of doctors who work at smaller practices. They are looking out for my best interest and not just me as a paycheck. My radiation oncologist saw the need for someone else to care for me. He referred me to another set of hands he thought more capable. I am not pointing the finger at people for not helping or being there for my girls. I am merely pointing out that it was too much to ask one person to care for me and 4 small girls. I needed extra help. I needed 24/7 care which people were not able to do for us back in Pa. And that is OKAY! People have lives, and jobs. I understand! So, for those of you who read this and take offense, I kindly ask you to refrain from your comments. I have no room in life for negativity. I have no problem hitting the DELETE button on our "friendship" or "relationship".
