Originally, I used this site to blog about my cancer journey. But, I have faced so many more challenges than just cancer. So, my blogging venture continues. Last April, I started out on a new journey. Normally, I find journeys to be exciting. But, this venture was different. This journey had me terrified. This would be the start of me being a single mother. April 7, 2017 As I pulled up to the court house, I was shaking. I parked my car and stopped to take a few deep breaths. I glanced in the rearview mirror and told myself I could do this. All I had to do was walk in to the courthouse and file for custody. I got out of my car, walked over to meter, and paid for parking. I remember the security guard making a joke about my wallet being full of receipts and suggesting that I get a box to keep the receipts in. It didn't take long for me to figure out where I needed to go and what papers I needed to file. When I was finished, I practically ran out of the court house. I pulled away from the courthouse and rushed home. I had to get the girls, myself and a few of our belongings out before their dad - who for the sake of his identity will be called Mr. Miserable or Mr. M - came home. You see, life was not the facade I put up on facebook or instagram for the world to see. Life was a struggle. Life had become what it was prior to cancer. But this time, not only was I being affected by the behaviors of Mr. M, but so were my children. When Mr. M came home, a few men from my church were sitting in my living room with me. I had them there because I did not know what reaction I would get. I told Mr. M that I was leaving and that I had filed for custody of our children. I would be going to a safe house. Now, Mr. M doesn't get his name from being Mr. Happy Pants, so you can imagine the response I received. He muttered a few things, took off his wedding ring and threw it at my head. I ducked just in time and the ring bounced off the window and fell to the window sill. Mr. M. stormed out of the house, slamming the door and squealing his tires, as he pulled out of our driveway. I was shaking. I was terrified. But, at the same time I was relieved. The hardest part was over. Or so I thought. Fast forward ten months and here we are. I am sitting on my couch that was given to me. Staring at my computer screen. My house is in shambles, for the umpteenth time this week. Yes, I said week. One of my darlings, has been pooping her pants at least 3 times so far this week. Not because she is sick, but because she doesn't want to stop whatever it is she is doing to go to the bathroom. I mean come on. It is much easier to have mama clean it up for you. Now, I have a bathroom to clean. A mountain of laundry to fold and put away. On the bright side it is washed. Children are grounded and not listening. Chores are going undone. It is like my darlings are tag teaming with each other to take a day to be not-so-darling. And here I am facing a screen and crying. Everything falls on me. Not that it didn't before, I mean, I was basically a married single parent. But, this week has me at my wits ends. This week I find myself wondering where my strength will come from. I don't say all of this to sound like I am complaining. I say that because each day life brings us challenges. Challenges are not just when we are sick. This new challenge I am facing is hard. Much harder than I thought it would be. But, with the help of friends, who let's face it - are more like family - I am learning to stand up for myself again. I am learning bring order back to my unruly crowd. I am learning to take back the reigns and be the mother they deserve. So, Thank you to my friends and family who are on this journey alongside me. Thank you for speaking your mind, knowing it may hurt. I will accept what you say. Life's challenges are hard, but, they sure are easier when you have a village to fall back on. Thanks for standing by me and being with me each step of the way. Sincerely, One Hot Mess Mama.
Today was a day that I thought would never come. But here it is. How many people do you know that are completely thrilled to go to chemo? Well, you now know one! ;) I was practically skipping in today. Yes, this girl, who is petrified of needles, cheerfully sat down to get poked by what I like to call "the hook".
Today doesn't mark the end of my cancer journey, but it does mark the end of my chemo. I still have a PET scan and small surgeries to go. But after all I have been through, I know I can do anything. After all, I have the best cheerleader on my side, Jesus Christ. It is only through the grace of God that I have made it.
People say "Everything happens for a reason". I firmly believe this. Cancer was not only my sickness, it was my saving grace. It brought me back to God. Cancer also brought so many amazing people into my life. People who I would depend on to keep me, and my children, healthy. I have been truly blessed by the outpour of support from old friends to new friends and most importantly my family. Cancer also helped me see that negative people are not meant to consume so much of your life. I have had to pull away from some relationships. I have pulled away from those who told me "It's just cancer. Lots of people go through it. You're not the only one. Get over Chemo". All this was poisonous. I realized that sometime - no matter how much you love some people or care for them - sometimes, it is okay to put your needs over theirs. Sometimes, you have to walk away.
I have heard so many times "God doesn't give you more than you can handle". No verse in the Bible says this. I've looked. I think the verse that is most often misquoted is 1 Corinthians 10:13 (American Standard Version) “There hath no temptation taken you but such as man can bear; but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation make also the way of escape, that ye may be able to endure it”.
So, you see, God will give us more than we can handle. He won’t tempt us above what we are able. He wants us at our weakest point, so the only place we have to turn to is Him. Look at Job. He was wealthy, had a family, was favored in the eyes of God. One day he lost everything, his family, his cattle, his fortune. But, in the midst of his storm, he still gave God glory. Who does that? Another example, Paul. Three times Paul pleaded with God to take his "thorn" away from him. God answered Paul with "My grace is sufficient for you".
Has anyone ever teased you or verbally hurt you to the point you are crying? To the point you are begging, no pleading with them to stop? I have been there. I imagine Paul felt very alone. Like God had turned His back on him. But you see Paul wasn't fully submitting to God.
Last January, I became very ill. I ended up in the ER. My numbers were low, but the doctor felt my staying in a hospital would hurt me more than help. I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I became very weak. I felt like a failure and that God didn't care. He had forgotten about me. My prayers had turned from "please, heal me" to "Lord, just take me home". I begged God to take me to heaven. This battle was too hard. I didn't see how I could go on. But, that was my problem. I was trying to carry on. Alone, I am nothing. But with God I am strong.
God was trying to get my attention. I wasn't listening. I had fallen way, way.............way off the path. But what I have learned is this: only God can turn your "mess" into a "message". God wants us at our weakest, so that we depend on him fully. Some of us - like myself - are more bullheaded and take a little longer to understand what God wants. But when you do, when you finally let go and let God. When you reach that point of trusting him fully, you feel joy.
I want to take a moment to thank all those who have supported me.Thank you to all who prayed, wrote me cards, sent me small gifts, called just to check on me, held fundraisers for me,sent me messages on facebook to see what the latest was or let me vent. To those who helped renovate our home and helped clean my home, I thank you.
A special thank you to my parents, who took the girls and I in for most of my cancer treatments. Thank you to my siblings for giving up some of their space so that me and my girls could feel at home. A huge thank you to Allison, April, Mack, LeeAnn and Bobbie. You all cared for me and my children. You helped give hope to my children while they were scared. You bathed them, fed them and let them know it was okay to be afraid.You held my children while they cried because "mommy was sick". You reassured them that I was going to be okay. You were there for them. You all started as friends, but now are more like sisters to me. I am so blessed to have all of you in my life. Ally and April, thank you for driving me and the girls to Arkansas. For anyone who has never been in a car with four small children,just picture a small circus confined to an SUV. This was a huge blessing.
A special thank you to my Chemo Angels for making me feel so special. Your timing was always perfect.
Thank you to the members at Mount Pleasant for making me a part of their family. Y'all have been so wonderful to me and my family. I, no me and my family, have been so blessed by all the love felt from so many people.
One year ago today, I was sitting in the doctor's office. The room was a crisp clean white. Very little was on the walls. My babies were sitting on the floor reading books they had brought with them. While I waited for the doctor to come in and tell me my biopsy results, I kept telling myself "everything is fine". Little did I know my whole world was about to change. The way I viewed life in general, the way I loved my children, the way I loved my God. The words "You have cancer" changed my whole world. At the time I was diagnosed, I thought cancer was horrible. On my body, yes, cancer was and still is horrible. There are days cancer takes its toll on me. But reflecting on this past year I have learned so much about myself. I have learned just how strong I can be. I value the time I have with my children. I have learned that children not only need rules, they also need someone to listen to their fears. Someone to hold them tight and tell them things will be ok. They need to know that nothing is too big for God. I have learned that people will surprise you and people will disappoint you. I have learned how some people are sympathetic to cancer and some people just brush it off, like it is nothing. Cancer also brought so many wonderful people into my life. My doctors,people I have never physically met, people i worked with, people from LPPC and people I go to church with now have all been so kind and thoughtful. I have made so many friends on this journey. Some friends have become family I could go on and on about what positives I see in my own life, but I won't. I just want you to understand that there truly is a silver lining, sometimes you have to look harder. When life seems hard look for the positives. You might be surprised to find that life will surprise you What scared you could bring you happiness.
How fitting that this song came on my iPod. The words of the
chorus ring so true. “There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and
no more fears. There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no
more, we’ll see Jesus face to face. But until that day, we’ll hold on to you
always.
These past few weeks have been rather rough. I went for
chemo on the 27th of June and my numbers and platelets had dropped.
Yesterday, I went to see my cardiologist and my ejection fraction rate had gone
down. I am not going to lie. I was a little frustrated and angry with God. I
felt like screaming “Okay Lord! I think I have had enough! I think my children
have endured enough!” I mean He is
the Great Physician, right? If He wanted to He
could make me all better. He could
rid my body of cancer. Then “There Will Be a Day” by Jeremy Camp, came on my iPod
and I started to think. If God did heal me right away, then how would I tell
others of what the Lord has done for me and my family?
What will my children say one day when they look back on
these days? Will they say “Mama cursed God for allowing her to have cancer?
Mama was angry with God for allowing bad results.” Or will my children say “Mama
gave God the praise even in the midst of the storm? Mama went to her knees
begging God to heal her body and to bring her counts up.” When troubles come
their way will they go to their knees? What example am I setting for them?
I am not stating that God gave me cancer. He is my Heavenly Father. What parent, in their
right mind, would give their child a disease or intentionally cause pain? Can’t
think of anyone, can you? That is because, as parents we do not want to cause
our children pain. We try to protect them from harm. When I was first diagnosed
with cancer thought God was punishing me for something I had done or had not
done. I once thought (and yes, I am ashamed of it) “Some great God you are. You
could heal me if you wanted to!” But after talking with a friend about my fears
of being punished, I realized how wrong I was. Jill Kelly stated at Women of Joy
“without TESTing there is no TESTIMONY”. God has a purpose for my life. He is not
finished with me yet.
Some of you, maybe a lot of you, who read my posts, do not
believe in God. Maybe it is because you can pin point a time in your life when
you poured your heart out to God, begging for him to heal a loved one, or to
bring you out of a financial rut. Maybe you asked God to give you something you
so desperately needed or wanted? You can pinpoint a time when God “let you down”.
But, you see, God does not always answer
our prayers how we think He should.
Sometimes it is better for our loved ones to leave this world, so they will be
in no more pain. Sometimes God wants us to learn to lean on Him to be our
provider for whatever our need may be.
If you do not believe in God, then I pray for you. There will be a day when this world will be no
more. There will be a day when Jesus returns (Revelation 1:7 NIV "Look, He
is coming with the clouds," and "every eye will see Him, even those
who pierced Him"; and all peoples on earth "will mourn because of
him." So shall it be! Amen). When that day comes, I know beyond a shadow
of a doubt where I will go. Do you? When
Jesus comes again, my body will have no more pain, my heart will have no more
suffering.
So, you see, God did not give me cancer. But, He did choose
to not heal me right now. “Things happen for a reason. We may not see it now.
We may see it a few years down the road, or we may never see the reason. But
God always has a purpose.” My mama and daddy have said this phrase a thousand times! You would think I
would get it by now. No worries, Mom and Dad, I think it is finally sinking in.
There is a reason God has allowed cancer to turn my life and my family’s life
upside down. He has a purpose for me.
Though they are small now, He has a purpose for my children. The joy is “There will be a day with NO more
tears, NO more pain, and NO more fears”. There will be a day “we’ll see Jesus
face to face.” I am ready for that day……….are you?
My friend, Hell is real.
Revelation 14:11 - And the smoke of their torment will rise
for ever and ever. There will be no rest day or night for
those who worship the beast and its image, or
for anyone who receives the mark of its name.”
Revelation 20:14
states “Death and Hades were thrown into the lake of fire. The lake of fire is
the second death.”
If you do not
know 100% where you will go when you leave this world, I beg you to look for
the answers. Open your Bible. If you do not own one go online and find a Bible
the answers are there. (www.biblegateway.com NIV easy version to read)
The ABC’s of Salvation
A.) Admit you are a sinner. Repent or turn away
from your sin
Romans 3:23 – “For all have
sinned and fall short of the Glory of God.” – we are all sinners. We were born
that way. I do not care who you are, no one is perfect.
Romans 6:23 – “For the wages
of sin is death, but the Gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our
Lord. – There is a punishment for our
sin. Hell. But God sent his only son, Jesus, to be the Savior of the
world. Jesus died on the cross to save us from our
sin so that we may go to Heaven to live with Him eternally. It is God’s gift to us. All we have to do is
take it. If I offered you a present, wrapped
up for your birthday, all you have to do is reach out take it or accept it. Same
is true with God’s gift of Salvation.
1 John1:9 – “If we confess our sins, He is
faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all
unrighteousness.” and Acts 3:19 – “Repent, then turn to God, so that your sins
may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.” These two
verses tie together. If we confess our sins to our Heavenly Father, He will
forgive us. I am not saying you need a fancy prayer. Just talk to Him, like a
friend. He will wipe our slate clean. How awesome is that!
B.)Believe
–Trust that Jesus is God’s son and that God sent Jesus to save people form
their sins.
Romans 5:8 – “But
God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners,
Christ died for us.”
Acts
4:12 – “Salvation is found in
no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to mankind by which
we must be saved.”
John 3:16 – “For God
so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believes
in Him should not perish, but have eternal life.”
I Peter 3:18 – “For
Christ died for sins once in for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to
bring you to God He was put to death in the body but mad alive by the spirit.”
John 14:6 – “Jesus answered;
I am the Way, the Truth, the Life. No one comes to the Father except by me.”
All these verses have
something in common. They all tell about God loving us so much that He gave the
ultimate sacrifice, His son. Jesus is the way to Heaven. Jesus is the truth we
seek, and Jesus is life. Only by His saving grace can we go to Heaven. There are no gimmicks or tricks. Jesus dying
on the cross was a gift. It is not something we can earn.
C.)Commit –Give your
life to Jesus. Ask Him to be your Lord and Savior.
Romans 10:9-10 – “That if you confess with your mouth,
Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you
will be saved. For it is with your heart
that you believe and are justified and iti is with your mouth that you confess
and are saved.”
Romans 10:13 – “For everyone who calls on the name of
the Lord will be saved.”
Matthew 16:24 –“Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘If
anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and
follow me.”
The last thing you have to do to accept God’s
wonderful plan of salvation is to commit yourself to him. We all know right
from wrong. We were born with the natural instinct to differentiate between the
two. When you commit yourself to God,
you are denying yourself or turning away from worldly pleasures. Things that may be fun, but you know in your
heart to be wrong.
God’s gift of salvation is just that…….a gift. He is
waiting for you to let him into your heart. Are you willing to let him in.
If you are willing and ready to receive God’s free
gift of salvation, then I have posted a prayer. It is just an example of what
you can say. There is no right or wrong
prayer that can be said.
Lord Jesus I
know I am a sinner. I believe you died
for me on the cross so that I might be saved. Right now I ask You to forgive me
of all my sins. I open my heart to You.
Come into my heart
Lord Jesus. I take this very
moment in my life to receive you as my Lord and Savior.
Thank you, Jesus,
for forgiving all my sins, and giving me eternal life.
Let my life be
dedicated to you Jesus, and help me to be the kind of person you want me to be.
Help me to decrease
in myself and increase in you Jesus.
Amen!
Once saved, there is nothing
you can do to lose your salvation.
Titus 3:5 – “Not by works of
righteousness which we have done but according to his mercy he saved us, by the
washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost.
No matter how good a person
you are there is nothing you can do to earn
God’s free gift of salvation. In the same manner, there is nothing you can do
to lose God’s free gift. I am not saying you will be perfect now that
you have accepted his free gift. We are all still sinners. I still make mistakes. I still sin. But God is merciful and just
to forgive me of my sins.
I have not posted as much as I would have liked to. It is hard to find the right words to say. I am afraid of sounding weak and vulnerable. I am afraid of letting other people down. I am the not the one who normally needs help. I have always enjoyed helping others. It is hard for me to accept that, sometimes, I do need help.
I have had so many mixed emotions that each day can be a battle. Sure, I have my good days. There are more good days than bad days. But there are days when I sit and think "How am I an inspiration to people? What do they see in me that I don't see?" There are days when I am just so tired. Tired of the medicine, tired of having to go to doctor appointments. And then there are my darkest days when I think "This battle, I am fighting, is so hard. Is it even worth fighting anymore." But on my darkest days my sweet babies remind me why I am fighting this battle. Whether it is their fat little arms squeezing my neck, hearing "I love you" in such a sweet voice or that extra cuddle time. It reminds me that it is all worth it.
Many of you know that I had a scare a few weeks ago. The doctor discovered fluid in my pelvis. Given my medical history he found this a little alarming. So, he ran tests. Praise God they all came back clear of cancer! Since, I have breast cancer, I am also at risk for ovarian cancer. After discussing it with my doctors, we have all decided it best to go ahead with a full hysterectomy. I am scheduled tomorrow morning at 7:00.
The night before surgery is always the hardest. My mind gets away from me. I start the "What if" game. What if the doctor finds something? What if something goes wrong? What if I don't wake up? This is probably my biggest fear.
You see, I want to be here for my children. I want to see them grow up. I want to be there for all their graduations. I want to see them fall in love, to see them get married. To see them be mothers. Who will teach them about God? Who will make sure they attend church and Sunday School? Who will tuck them in at night? Who will kiss away their pain? Who will read them Bible stories at night and say their bed time prayers? All these things race through my mind as I try to fall asleep. I hate it. I hate not having control of a situation. I am a planner, an organizer. I like to know the precise timing of everything.
In these times, where fear overcomes me, I can hear my parent's comforting words of wisdom, "Whatever happens is in God's hands". How true this is. He has brought me this far. Lord willing, He will continue to carry me through. So, I will turn in for the night. I will snuggle with my precious, Willow. In the morning I will sneak a kiss on each of my girls heads and I will whisper "I love you" as I leave for surgery. Knowing that I am not in control.....God is.
Today is day 16 of radiation, but who's counting? When I was first diagnosed, I didn't think I could handle the radiation. People told me that it would not hurt. Doctors told me I would feel sunburned. What no one can prepare you for is the loneliness.
The room is cool and dark. There is a table, much like a petscan with a huge circular drum which goes completely around the table. One ceiling tile is replaced with a lovely garden scene. No one is in the room with you, but they can see and hear you through the cameras.
I will never forget the first day. I was shaking.While lying there I fought back the tears. I was scared of the unknown. Scared that this would hurt even though I was told it wouldn't. Scared of being all alone in that big room. I remember thinking "What if something goes wrong?". "Will anyone hear me if I yell?" I was like a small child just wanting my mom to come hold my hand. But know one can be with you in the room.
While lying on the table is getting easier, each day is getting harder on me physically. I am finding myself not wanting to do anything but sit on the couch. It reminds me of the "hard chemo" days when I would sit on the couch being a "couch potato".
The joy I can find is that these days of exhaustion will not last forever. I will regain my strength. I long for the day where I can enjoy a walk with my girls to see Rosie, my parent's horse. Or the day when I will feel up to taking walks around the property exploring. Or the day when I will have energy to jump on the trampoline. I will look back on these days as stepping stones that made me that much stronger.
A lot has happened since my last post. I have been afraid of how people would react to what I said or misconstrue what I said. But then something happened. Last night, Nellie, came to me crying. "Misty called me a meanie pants!" (Now most of you will want to slap me because you have said the same thing to me, that I said to Nellie.) I hugged her and said "Honey, you can not let Misty's words affect you like this. They are just that words. People will say mean things to you throughout your whole life; but you can not let it bother you like this. Know in your heart that you are not a meanie pants." (I told you you would want to slap me.) You see, I have been focused on how others look at me or how others will think of me if I say or do something they do not agree with. But, I should not worry what others say about me, or how other people react to something they can not control. In the end, I am the one who lives with what I do or what decision I have made. The only person I should worry about is Jesus and His thoughts. So let those that think they know best do just that think they know best. Two days after we moved in with my parents, my dad found lice in Misty's head. And by lice I don't mean the beginning of lice the small hard to see bugs and nits. I mean the nits and the BIG bugs. (I know! EEEWWWWW! So gross!) He, then, checked the other girls. Nellie and Sadie were fine, but Willow had lice as well. I, of course, started to think I was failing as a mother. I mean if I missed something so simple as lice, what else was I missing with my children. I expressed my frustration to my mother. My mother told me I was being to hard on myself. I had just gone through very hard chemo, had bronchitis, and was trying to care for sick children (the last week I was in PA I had been in and out of doctor offices with sick kids). She told me to give myself a break! She, of course, was right. I had been on my couch almost the whole month of January. I only had left my cozy spot to take the children to the doctor. I didn't even go to church. I was not the only one caring for them. So, I could not take full responsibility for missing this. Once we arrived at my Mom and Dad's, I wasted no time in enrolling the girls in school. I did not want them to fall behind. We arrived on a Monday and they were in school by the end of the week. Nellie and Misty have adjusted well to their new environment. They love their new school and have already made friends. Noelle wants to play softball because a few of her friends are playing. I noticed, Nellie, was struggling with reading and math. Back home she did see a tutor for reading, which seemed to be helping her. I must say, I loved the charter school they were attending back home, but I noticed that Nellie was starting to shut down. Homework was like a dark, unwelcome black cloud. Every time I said "time to do homework" we both would cringe. She always struggled with homework and by the time she was done I was ready to put my head through a wall. At her new school, Nellie was tested and placed on the lower end of reading. I thought she would have been right on course or maybe a little higher since she was at such an outstanding school. Unfortunately, she is a few points lower than where she should be for reading. Learning should be fun. It should make a child want to learn, not have knowledge shoved down their throats. This is why I miss homeschooling. If the girls were having an off day, we would close the books and put school away. Children should have a desire to learn. Things are better retained when there is a want for knowledge. My mom, who taught me until 9th grade, is working with Nellie on her reading and math. I have been debating holding Nellie back. She would be in class with Misty then. But then I started to over think things. What would people say? What would they think of me? They would know how I have failed Nellie during this past school year by not diligently working with her. By not seeking the help she needed. No worries, again my mom and dad stepped in. They told me that I, again, was being to hard on myself. I had surgery prior to them starting school, and had been undergoing harsh chemotherapy treatments. I needed to not be so hard on myself. Others could have done the things that I was being so hard on myself about. (stop shaking your heads in agreement! I know they are right!) I want to applaud Josh for seeing the need for help. He saw that he could not care for me and 4 small girls on his own. He was seeing the bigger picture.He saw my weakness. He saw that if he sent me to my mom and dad's without the girls, then he might as well have thrown dirt in my face. My girls are my world. He also realized that he was one person and it was too hard to care for 4 small girls alone. I jumped at his idea to send us here. Others may knock us down for the decison. But one thing people need to realize is this. I had some help from people, but it was not enough. I needed someone to be there the time Josh left for work until he came home. I needed help with getting the girls ready for school, feeding them breakfast, playing with babies during the day so I could rest. I needed help with laundry, cooking, and cleaning. So, shame on you who want to put the blame on me, the sick one, for not calling people for help. People who had time and knew I was sick could have called me. The last thing on my mind was trying to find my phone, which is mostly dead, and trying to find someone to help everyday. Shame on you who thought it best for my family to move to Pa to help out. You wanted my dad, who has an excellent job and works from home, to find a job and my mom, who works at the school the girls attend, to find a job in Pa with this economy. Excuse me for this, but, ARE YOU CRAZY?!?! And you wanted mom and dad to leave two children behind at college, one is hearing impaired and used to being home on the weekend and the other still lives at home, as well as uproot their other two children still in middle school and High school! Shame on you. I think people need to think about the bigger picture before putting their two cents in. I believe, I am right where I need to be. I have my mom, my dad, my sister Ruth (on the weekends), My brothers, Luke and Micah, and my sister Rebekah. That is six, sometimes seven, sets of hands to help hold, feed, bathe, do homework, help with laundry and play with the girls. That is six, sometimes seven, sets of eyes to take notice of eating habits, see what the girls are into, to see if the girls have lice or see if the girls need extra help with a subject. We received a lot of nonsense over the decision to move me and the girls to Arkansas. But in my eyes it was the best decision. People will say things that may be hurtful or selfish. But that is just what they are words. They hold no value. I have a fantastic support group right here. I am right where I need to be. I had a wonderful medical team back home, but here I think I have an even better team. I am under the care of doctors who work at smaller practices. They are looking out for my best interest and not just me as a paycheck. My radiation oncologist saw the need for someone else to care for me. He referred me to another set of hands he thought more capable. I am not pointing the finger at people for not helping or being there for my girls. I am merely pointing out that it was too much to ask one person to care for me and 4 small girls. I needed extra help. I needed 24/7 care which people were not able to do for us back in Pa. And that is OKAY! People have lives, and jobs. I understand! So, for those of you who read this and take offense, I kindly ask you to refrain from your comments. I have no room in life for negativity. I have no problem hitting the DELETE button on our "friendship" or "relationship".
Not many people can say they are blessed to have such an amazing support group. Not many people have friends that are more like family. Well, I can say these things. I have an awesome support group. I have made friends who are more like sisters to me than they are friends. I can rely on them totally. For that I am blessed.
Yes, I have had help from ladies at church helping me do laundry, or helping me clean my home. People have come over to sit with my girls or have watched them at their own home. My friend, Nikki (who is like a sister) left her family in Alabama, to come up here and take care of me and my family for a whole week! My children have come to know so many people who are more like family than friends. They have Nana Roe, Papa/Uncle Dennis, Auntie Bobbie, Mr. Steve, Justin, Auntie Leeann and Aunt Pam (who is family:)). Their lives have been so touched by these amazing people who have taken us all under their wings. My children are my world. You all have stepped up and helped fill in for me when I am too sick to do so. For this I am so very grateful.
But there are two special ladies who have gone above and beyond the call of duty. Two ladies, who have tag-teamed chemo appointments, talked to the doctor during chemo, nursed me back to health when I was down from the chemo. They have given up free time to come help me with Doctor appointments, bringing me things or taking care of my children. These two ladies make me want to be a better person. When I am better, I hope to repay their kindness or help someone in need just as they have done for me. Recently, with the help of others, these two awesome ladies, in their spare time (which wasn't much time), planned an event for me! Rally 4 Randy Rhea. I even have a foundation, the Randy Rhea Foundation! How cool! With out these two very special ladies, I do not think I would have come this far. These two ladies have dropped what they are doing to help me and the girls. April and Allison, You are my rocks. I love you both very much. You have taught me so much! You are my home away from home. Blood may not bond us as sisters but life has. You two will forever be in my heart as sisters.
I almost always like to leave a challenge at the end of my post. So, here is my challenge to you. With so much negativity and bullying in this world, stand up and make a difference. It starts with one. Imagine, if we all take one person under our wing how different this world would be. Find one person, sick or not, in your life and make a difference. Shower them with love. Be there for them. Send them a note in the mail or a quick little email. You never know, you may be the difference between life and death.
One would think that the virus I had Friday into Saturday or the Chemo I had Thursday would have dampened my spirits. But, I am happy to say, it has not! Yes, I may have a sore arm that is currently enflamed from the chemo and needing benedryl, a warm compress and anti-itching cream. Yes, my body is aching from dancing my tush off with the girls. And yes, I am going to need lots and lots of coffee in the morning. But all these things remind me that I am still alive and breathing. I am still able to enjoy watching my girls dance around the living room, without a care in the world. I can teach a 3 year old to play Chutes and Ladders or an almost 11 year old how to put on eye shadow in a really funky way! I can still rock my sweet 15 month old to sleep. I can watch my 5 and now 7 year old giggle as they play with their American girl dolls! I am alive and breathing thanks to my doctors who were so aggressive in finding my cancer, as well as taking an aggressive stance towards my chemo.
We have less than ten minutes until the New Year. We are all camped out in the living room watching the last few minutes of Dick Clarks Rockin' New Years Eve. Waiting anxiously, for the ball to drop so we can run outside and bang some pots together.
I would like to thank all my friends who have been so helpful to me and my family. You have all given up a lot of time to help me take care of not only myself but my girls. Thank you for helping me keep my house clean or doing my laundry! Thank you for taking my girls overnight so I could get some rest! I can never repay the kindness that has been shown to me.
I also want to thank my family. Mom, thanks so much for taking time to come up here and care for me and the girls while I recovered from my surgery. It was such a wonderful time for the girls to see you! They miss you! Thanks to Dad for holding down the fort so Mom could come here.
Aunt Pam, thank you for being a chauffer/babysitter/caregiver to me. I really appreciate it. I am sorry we got you sick for New Years. Hope you feel better.
Thank you to all the people who brought us food and wrapped your arms around this family in kindness. Virginia folks, I need a cook book with all your fantastic recipes!
To the wonderful ladies who adopted us for Christmas. You truly made this the best Christmas EVER!!! (Ask Sadie, she will tell you!)
If I have not named you or thanked you it is not because I don't care or appreciate you. I do. I have a hard time remembering everything! I love each and every one of you! I am so grateful to all of you who have helped me by either letting me live with you, or by leaving your families to come take care of me! Without all of you, I would not be so strong.
I wish everyone a happy, healthy and safe New Year. Let's make this year count! Live life to the fullest! Happy New Year and God Bless!
Well, today was a challlenging day. I could only receive half of my chemo. My body was rejecting it. Good thing is I was able to receive half, so no need to go back. I am all done with my Taxol!!!!!! Can I get a woot! Woot! On my hard chemo days I get steroids to counteract all the pain Taxol causes. The Taxol makes it very hard to walk. The first few night, after chemo, I have a hard time sleeping. I do take medicine to help me sleep but that takes a while to kick in. So, instead of fighting to try and sleep I started using that time to pray. And let's face it, with four small girls night time is my only quiet time. I pray not only for myself but also for my girls, as well as friends who are sick or hospitalized. If you follow me on fb, you see a little girl I follow, who is my Misty's age. She will be starting her journey in chemo soon. She has already had brain surgery. She just finished her radiation. This little girl needs your prayers. As she needs her appetite back, so she can gain back weight.
I also follow Bringing home the Browns. A sweet couple who prayed for seven years for a baby. God finally answered their prayers. At 34 weeks Heather had her son while husband wean was overseas. She slipped into coma. It has been amazing to watch their journey as she slowly climbs out od this state.
Tonight my heart has been heavy, as a pray for a dear lady. She has had a rough year. Right now she is battling for her life yet again. This lady has a smile that will light up the room. I know it was very comforting to see her happy face the first time I sat in the blood chair to have my blood drawn. There she was, across from me, smiling away. It was infectious. Soon I was smiling with her. She has a wonderful family. Please pray for her. Pray for doctors to have the wisdom to help her.
When you think you have it bad, look around you and see who you can pray for. It doesn't need to be a long flowery prayer. It can be short and simple. I guarantee it will help you feel just a little bit better.
My sister, Ruthie, and I share something in common. We both love to write (she being a grammar nazi is far better than I). When we are feeling happy or sad, angry or frustrated, writing seems to help us portray our feelings.
One of the many reasons I love her is her positive spirit. Anyone who knows Ruthie, knows she was born a fighter. When I am having a rough day, as I did last Thursday, I think to myself, "this isn't so bad. Think of Ruthie." Ruthie has had more surgeries than I can count. Her head has been shaved several times (and normally it is only half her head that is shaved). We share the same fear of needles and she has been poked by hundreds of needles. Yet, she still has a happy attitude. Nothing gets her down for too long. Ruthie, is only 18 hears old, and has faced many obsticles in her life. She is a true image of strength and courage. She is my hero. She is my inspiration. Here is a piece that she wrote. I had to share it (of course, with her permission) . Enjoy.
I am a music box...... by Ruthie Billie Gayle Chaney.
Earlier today, I was cleaning my room. I had been wrapping presents in my room for the last few days, and I had created such a mess. Tubes of wrapping paper took up an entire side of my room, a trash can with price tags and other plastic wrappings sat overflowing in the corner, and I had yet to finish unpacking all my stuff from my first semester of college as well. On my dresser, I had all kinds of things strewn all over - my Norton Anthology of Drama books; cards and other mail I had received during my time living on campus that I had brought home to put in The Box; and a music box in the formation of a blue-winged, blonde-haired fairy in a pink dress holding an orb in her left hand as a streak of rainbow ran from her hand to the base of the cloud she stood on, with the words "Expect a Miracle" running across the base.
In the process of picking up tubes of wrapping paper, I, being naturally clumsy, didn't pay attention to the way I carried the tubes and I knocked a few things off the dresser onto my floor. When I came back from putting the wrapping paper away, I started to pick up the objects and return them to their location on the dresser. I picked up the fairy, and right away I did a double take because I felt it scratch my hand as I picked it up; I had never had that kind of feeling by the music box in any way before... I looked at the music box and noticed one of the wings was missing. My heart stopped for what seemed like an eternity, and I felt like I would pass out. My most prized possession had fallen apart. It had broken. After ten years of constantly being handled, of being moved from place to place, just one clumsy move on my part had caused the music box to finally shatter. Not to worry - after I spent several hours crying pathetically, the fairy was repaired with superglue and I was smiling again.
In that seeming eternity my heart stopped, I realized something important.
Having dealt with so many different and often unrelated struggles through recent years, I realize I'm just like that music box. When I was born, I was brand new and special to my parents and family, as well as many other people. I meant something to each person who knew me. Even today, one of my motivations is that I've crossed paths with so many people that I've come to mean so much to and who in turn also mean the world to me. That music box came into my possession the day I first really heard. I remember the excitement I felt as I ran my hands all over it and turned it over and over in my hands as the music played. I realized that the music box meant something to me. It was brand new. It was special. It was BEAUTIFUL. What it stood for, no one would ever be able to even fathom. The music box, before long, was a huge part of me. Wherever we moved, whatever room I stayed in, whatever space I owned, the music box always had a spot where it would be proudly displayed. I am just like that music box.
I am one of God's music boxes. I'm here for a reason; I mean something in this world, but to so many people. He's put me in everyone's lives for a reason, just like my parents brought the music box into mine. Just like a music box, I sing a song - by living the way I live. I can go for a long time with my struggles, but every once in a while something will break me. Just like fate had me knock my music box off the dresser and cracked it, some things occasionally cause me to crack. Just like the music box was repaired, with God's help I have been able to pick myself back up again.
As I sat listening to my sweet babies say their bedtime prayers, I could not help but question God, almost arguring with Him. I never planned on having cancer and here are my girls praying "God, make my mommy all better". Of course, it is my daily prayer as well. For who can ever do the "job" of a mother, better than a mother? Who will give them special hugs and kisses as they are tucked in at night? Who will kiss away their pain, the way only a mother can? Who will ensure my children have a relationship with my family in Arkansas? It is nights like these that I allow my mind to run away with me. Yes, I am almost done with my hard chemo. And, yes, I have handled it well. But ......you never know what tomorrow brings. You only know who holds tomorrow. God has a plan for each and every one of us, young and old, big and small. But, sometimes I have a hard time accepting His plan, just as some of you do as well. Whether you believe in God as I do, or "some higher being". I feel it is safe to say that majority of us believe that everything happens for a reason.
When I started my journey, I was told I would have ups and downs. I was told to take each day step by step. I was told there are good days but there are bad days. Please, before you jump to conclusions, do not think I have given up. Because I have not. Nor am I depressed. This is just part of my journey, as some of you who have had cancer could vouch. I created my blog as a way for people to see "the ups and downs". A way for people to follow along with me while I travel this road. While today was a great day, starting with music Sunday at church to helping the girls make chocolate covered pretzels. It is the moments that are quick, fleeting and oh, so precious that can send ones mind racing.
Today, as I watched my oldest at her play "The Nutcracker", I was again reminded how precious life really is. I was also reminded why it is I am fighting this horrible disease. I am fighting for my four babies. I may not be disgustingly wealthy but I feel wealthier than those with diamonds and gold. I have something they may never experience......an undying love between a mother and her children. Watching my baby girl's smile and seeing her run up to me any time she wanted to today to give me a hug gave me such a swelling sense of joy! There truly is nothing more enjoyable in this world than having your children hug you.
As a child, I can remember thinking my mom had super powers! She always had energy. She always did so many fun amd cool things. Yes, I have the coolest mom! As I got older, I found myself not wanting to stay in my mothers loving embrace. I wanted to run out the door!
As my children are growing, I find myself holding them much longer when I hug them. I find myself looking at how beautiful they are becoming. I find myself wishing that I could freeze time. I am reminded each day of what anchors me to life. The little arms around my neck, the sassy remarks from their mouths, the sound of a 15 month old saying "muah", hearing the words "mommy will you hold me?" and listening to the little whispers that come from their room when they are to be sleeping. All these things remind me of how important life is. I feel people have not lived until they feel the love of a child. For nothing is more precious.
Have you ever felt so overwhelmed with gratitude? These past few months I have thought on more than one occasion that I have been so blessed! I have told you how my friends have opened their home to me as well as taken me to chemo appointments. And I ha e told you of my family filling my freezers! Bit, this week has been one to remember! This past week has been full of people being so kind to me.
Saturday, my sister-in-law and Kevin had a fundraiser for me. Not only did they have a fundraiser, but they also organized for an escort to the event! Centre square fire department let me sign the pink fire truck! They also presented me with a very nice donation. The night was so memorable!
Normally, we have real tree for christmas. But this year I did not want to hassle with the needles. I decided we would have an artificial tree. Monday, I got a Christmas tree! Aunt Pam took me to a store that had the most beautiful trees! Sadie and I got to pick our favorite one! It is so beautiful! Of course, there is nothing quite like a real tree. But this tree comes close. Our tree is so full, unlike other trees you can see the post, AND, with the click of a button, the lights can either be colorful or white!
To top of this wonderful feeling, The Body Serene Day Spa adopted us for Christmas! Tuesday I picked up all the gifts that these amazing people bought my girls. I am so grateful that my girls will not feel let down because of my sickness. Yes, they do know that Christmas is Jesus
' birthday. But they also believe in Santa. Christmas is a magical time of year.
So, as I lay here, wide awake, thank you coffee, I can not help but enjoy this feeling! I am soaking up these magical moments. I hope one day I have the same opportunity to help someone else. I hope I am able to ease a burden for them. Whether that is cooking, cleaning or helping with a holiday or special event. I hope to pass on this feeling of being overwhelmed with gratitude!
I had my second dose of Taxol and my third herceptin. I am exhausted and a little shakey kn my feet. My good friend April took me to chemo! Bonnie came to the house to sit with my younger babies. I have such amazing people in my life. So kind and so caring. My dear friend, allison, is flying home tomorrow. Allison, I miss you! Have a safe flight tomorrow!
It pains me that I am unable to visit mom-mom, Josh's grandmother,(she is in the icu). I would whisper little prayers in her ears. I would tell her everything is ok. I would hold her hand to comfort her. Mom-mom is a strong woman. Lord knows I need prayers for healing. But i would like to ask you to pray for mom-mom. Many of you may not know her, but each time you think of me and my battles that I face, please say a prayer for mom-mom. She was able to help with my kids and they love her dearly. . All of this happened so quickly and she is having a hard time dealing with the "why?". She has always been in excellent health. Please pray for comfort. Mom-mom is now on comfort care. Please keep her family in your prayers as well. Her children have had to explain the severity of her disease, vasculitis, to her and how it has affected her body. Pray for comfort for this family.
Romans 12:12 New International Version (NIV)
12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
This is a song that what we sang at church yesterday. I thought it was comforting. If I could be by mom-moms side I would sing this to her and hope it would comfort her as much as it did me.
http://m.youtube.com/?reload=7&rdm=mdt4cb70c#/watch?v=MzDGvDZxnuw (you may have to copy and paste)
MOM-MOM WE LOVE YOU!
Today is a day that brings so many wonderful memories from my childhood. As a young girl, I would wake up to the smell of turkey in the oven, stuffing and other wonderful smells. Some of my favorite desserts momma would make were banana pudding and chocolate pie. We all would rush through breakfast so we could watch the "Macy's Day Parade "!
Today all but one of my girls (sadie is still sleeping) are sitting here with me, anxiously awaiting the start of the "Macy's Day Parade" (yes, we live near Philly but still carry on the tradition from my childhood and watch the "Macy's Day Parade"). As momma would say, it is the only "real" parade worth watching. Last night, we all gathered around the kitchen table and carried on another tradition. We made Granny's banana pudding! As I watched my girls, I couldn't help but think of how blessed I am to have such sweet babies of my own and a sweet step-daughter.
So, allow me to say what I am thankful for. I am so thankful for my parents. They gave me a loving happy home. I am thankful for all my siblings. They make me laugh when I am down. There is nothing better than the bond between a brother or sister. I am thankful for my healthy children. I am thankful for my sweet Faith Anne(thank you Amanda, for allowing her to spend the past week with us). I am thankful for all my friends and family who have given up their time to take care of me and my children when my medicine does not allow me to. I am so very thankful for all the doctors and nurses who have taken care of me. I have been so blessed with such caring people.
As you go about your day, remember all you have to be thankful for. It is much easier to focus on the negative. But, today is about ALL that you do have. Happy Thanksgiving!
Well, I had my new medicine (taxol and herceptin) on Thursday. I was there from 9:30 until after 4 pm. I can't complain., though, because I slept almost the whole time. :) so far I have handled it pretty well. I always get super nervous and tend to overthink things when I start a new medicine. The new chemo medicine makes me very tired. The other changes are my fingers are sensitive and my legs hurt. It makes it very hard to walk.
Wednesday, I had my port taken out. My echo cardiogram showed a blood clot on the end. Thank you to my dear friend April for going with me and holding my hand. I was awake for the whole thing. But April was there to keep me calm. So happy to have that out. I am so thankful for a great medical team that stays on top of things.
While lying in bed, I heard Noelle sass her grandmother. Why didn't j get up and correct her, you ask? Two reasons. One, her grandmother was handling it and two, Willow was sleeping soundly beside me. As I listened to Noelle disrespect her grandmother, the more I became upset. I wanted to run upstairs and put her over my knee (yes. I do believe in spanking, not beating, my children.). But I knew I needed to let her grandmother handle it. Noelle needs to learn respect for other adults. Her grandmother kept asking "Why are you acting like this?" Which Noelle replied, in a very disrespectful tone "I don't know!" They went back and forth for about five minutes. Finally, Noelle gave an answer. One that broke my heart. "Because, I don't want my mommy to have cancer! I want her to get better! I don't like that she is sick and can't do all the fun things anymore! That did it for me I broke down and cried. I held willow sleeping so peacefully next to me. This is not fair! My babies should not have to bear this. It is so hard to be strong when your baby's heart is breaking.
Today is a great day! I am feeling much better after chemo, although I still get tired easily. But that isn't what makes today so great. While others sit and fret over the storm (hurricane sandy) I am doing a dance! No, not because I love storms, because I don't. But because I get to spend a day with my girls! My dear friend takes my children to her house on the weekends I have chemo. This way I can rest and the girls won't remember me on chemo. By the time they come home I feel better but still need a nap. So, today is great because I feel pretty good and I get to hang with my girlies. To all my mom friends out there, don't think of this storm as though you are "stuck" at home with your kids. Find the silver lining. You have been given a whole day to relax, do crafts, hold your child, without having to rush anywhere. Take this storm as a gift. A gift to treasure your little one(s). One day, you will look at your baby, and want to spend a few precious moments with them, only they may be all grown up by then. Seize the day. Cherish your children. And enjoy Hurricane Sandy.
“Too many people miss the silver lining because they're expecting gold.” - Maurice Setterr
I try my best not complain about what I am going through. Especially when I see stories on facebook about children going through chemotherapy, or I read about bringing home the browns (heart wrenching story to follow). But yesterday was somewhat tramatic. I hate needles as it is. I am learning how to tolerate them though. I know what you are thinking, after four children I should be used to them by now. But I am not. I still ask for the smallest needle.
My nurse dawn has been so wonderful. Yesterday, I had a new nurse. Dawn was on another floor training and my nurse yesterday was having a "refresher" in administering chemo. Let me start off by saying she was super sweet. But being someone afraid of needles, I of course got the nurse who poked me not once but, but twice. Then had to have the head nurse come over to readjust the needle (by twisting the needle) because there was no blood return, so it wasn't in correctly. My nurse also dressed the needle with tegaderm, which is something that is done after the needle is properly working. So, yes, I had to have that ripped off while it was attached to my line.
Today I go for my shot that will boost my white blood count. It is very painful because it is basically manufactured bone marrow. So even a hug hurts. I may be 28 years old but I feel very childlike today. I would give anything to go home and have my parents hold me. Just like when I was a small child.
I try my best not to complain. Things could be worse. But...I am only human.
Here is a link to what kind of port I have and the the type of needles that are used, if you are interested. If it doesn't work, you may have to copy and paste.
http://www.norcalvascular.com/expertise/pid:305/id:453/
And as always thank you for taking the time to read this. Thank you for your support and continued prayers.
