A lot has happened since my last post. I have been afraid of how people would react to what I said or misconstrue what I said. But then something happened. Last night, Nellie, came to me crying. "Misty called me a meanie pants!" (Now most of you will want to slap me because you have said the same thing to me, that I said to Nellie.) I hugged her and said "Honey, you can not let Misty's words affect you like this. They are just that words. People will say mean things to you throughout your whole life; but you can not let it bother you like this. Know in your heart that you are not a meanie pants." (I told you you would want to slap me.) You see, I have been focused on how others look at me or how others will think of me if I say or do something they do not agree with. But, I should not worry what others say about me, or how other people react to something they can not control. In the end, I am the one who lives with what I do or what decision I have made. The only person I should worry about is Jesus and His thoughts. So let those that think they know best do just that think they know best.
Two days after we moved in with my parents, my dad found lice in Misty's head. And by lice I don't mean the beginning of lice the small hard to see bugs and nits. I mean the nits and the BIG bugs. (I know! EEEWWWWW! So gross!) He, then, checked the other girls. Nellie and Sadie were fine, but Willow had lice as well. I, of course, started to think I was failing as a mother. I mean if I missed something so simple as lice, what else was I missing with my children. I expressed my frustration to my mother. My mother told me I was being to hard on myself. I had just gone through very hard chemo, had bronchitis, and was trying to care for sick children (the last week I was in PA I had been in and out of doctor offices with sick kids). She told me to give myself a break! She, of course, was right. I had been on my couch almost the whole month of January. I only had left my cozy spot to take the children to the doctor. I didn't even go to church. I was not the only one caring for them. So, I could not take full responsibility for missing this.
Once we arrived at my Mom and Dad's, I wasted no time in enrolling the girls in school. I did not want them to fall behind. We arrived on a Monday and they were in school by the end of the week. Nellie and Misty have adjusted well to their new environment. They love their new school and have already made friends. Noelle wants to play softball because a few of her friends are playing.
I noticed, Nellie, was struggling with reading and math. Back home she did see a tutor for reading, which seemed to be helping her. I must say, I loved the charter school they were attending back home, but I noticed that Nellie was starting to shut down. Homework was like a dark, unwelcome black cloud. Every time I said "time to do homework" we both would cringe. She always struggled with homework and by the time she was done I was ready to put my head through a wall. At her new school, Nellie was tested and placed on the lower end of reading. I thought she would have been right on course or maybe a little higher since she was at such an outstanding school. Unfortunately, she is a few points lower than where she should be for reading.
Learning should be fun. It should make a child want to learn, not have knowledge shoved down their throats. This is why I miss homeschooling. If the girls were having an off day, we would close the books and put school away. Children should have a desire to learn. Things are better retained when there is a want for knowledge. My mom, who taught me until 9th grade, is working with Nellie on her reading and math.
I have been debating holding Nellie back. She would be in class with Misty then. But then I started to over think things. What would people say? What would they think of me? They would know how I have failed Nellie during this past school year by not diligently working with her. By not seeking the help she needed. No worries, again my mom and dad stepped in. They told me that I, again, was being to hard on myself. I had surgery prior to them starting school, and had been undergoing harsh chemotherapy treatments. I needed to not be so hard on myself. Others could have done the things that I was being so hard on myself about. (stop shaking your heads in agreement! I know they are right!)
I want to applaud Josh for seeing the need for help. He saw that he could not care for me and 4 small girls on his own. He was seeing the bigger picture.He saw my weakness. He saw that if he sent me to my mom and dad's without the girls, then he might as well have thrown dirt in my face. My girls are my world. He also realized that he was one person and it was too hard to care for 4 small girls alone. I jumped at his idea to send us here. Others may knock us down for the decison. But one thing people need to realize is this. I had some help from people, but it was not enough. I needed someone to be there the time Josh left for work until he came home. I needed help with getting the girls ready for school, feeding them breakfast, playing with babies during the day so I could rest. I needed help with laundry, cooking, and cleaning. So, shame on you who want to put the blame on me, the sick one, for not calling people for help. People who had time and knew I was sick could have called me. The last thing on my mind was trying to find my phone, which is mostly dead, and trying to find someone to help everyday. Shame on you who thought it best for my family to move to Pa to help out. You wanted my dad, who has an excellent job and works from home, to find a job and my mom, who works at the school the girls attend, to find a job in Pa with this economy. Excuse me for this, but, ARE YOU CRAZY?!?! And you wanted mom and dad to leave two children behind at college, one is hearing impaired and used to being home on the weekend and the other still lives at home, as well as uproot their other two children still in middle school and High school! Shame on you. I think people need to think about the bigger picture before putting their two cents in.
I believe, I am right where I need to be. I have my mom, my dad, my sister Ruth (on the weekends), My brothers, Luke and Micah, and my sister Rebekah. That is six, sometimes seven, sets of hands to help hold, feed, bathe, do homework, help with laundry and play with the girls. That is six, sometimes seven, sets of eyes to take notice of eating habits, see what the girls are into, to see if the girls have lice or see if the girls need extra help with a subject.
We received a lot of nonsense over the decision to move me and the girls to Arkansas. But in my eyes it was the best decision. People will say things that may be hurtful or selfish. But that is just what they are words. They hold no value. I have a fantastic support group right here. I am right where I need to be. I had a wonderful medical team back home, but here I think I have an even better team. I am under the care of doctors who work at smaller practices. They are looking out for my best interest and not just me as a paycheck. My radiation oncologist saw the need for someone else to care for me. He referred me to another set of hands he thought more capable.
I am not pointing the finger at people for not helping or being there for my girls. I am merely pointing out that it was too much to ask one person to care for me and 4 small girls. I needed extra help. I needed 24/7 care which people were not able to do for us back in Pa. And that is OKAY! People have lives, and jobs. I understand!
So, for those of you who read this and take offense, I kindly ask you to refrain from your comments. I have no room in life for negativity. I have no problem hitting the DELETE button on our "friendship" or "relationship".
