Learning to Let Go of Control

I have not posted as much as I would have liked to. It is hard to find the right words to say. I am afraid of sounding weak and vulnerable. I am afraid of letting other people down. I am the not the one who normally needs help. I have always enjoyed helping others. It is hard for me to accept that, sometimes, I do need help.

I have had so many mixed emotions that each day can be a battle.  Sure, I have my good days. There are more good days than bad days. But there are days when I sit and think "How am I an inspiration to people? What do they see in me that I don't see?" There are days when I am just so tired. Tired of the medicine, tired of having to go to doctor appointments. And then there are my darkest days when I think "This battle, I am fighting, is so hard. Is it even worth fighting anymore." But on my darkest days my sweet babies remind me why I am fighting this battle. Whether it is their fat little arms squeezing my neck, hearing "I love you" in such a sweet voice or that extra cuddle time. It reminds me that it is all worth it.

Many of you know that I had a scare a few weeks ago. The doctor discovered fluid in my pelvis. Given my medical history he found this a little alarming. So, he ran tests. Praise God they all came back clear of cancer! Since, I have breast cancer, I am also at risk for ovarian cancer. After discussing it with my doctors, we have all decided it best to go ahead with a full  hysterectomy. I am scheduled tomorrow morning at 7:00. 

The night before surgery is always the hardest. My mind gets away from me. I start the "What if" game. What if the doctor finds something? What if something goes wrong? What if I don't wake up? This is probably my biggest fear. 

You see, I want to be here for my children. I want to see them grow up. I want to be there for all their graduations. I want to see them fall in love, to see them get married. To see them be mothers. Who will teach them about God? Who will make sure they attend church and Sunday School? Who will tuck them in at night? Who will kiss away their pain? Who will read them Bible stories at night and say their bed time prayers? All these things race through my mind as I try to fall asleep. I hate it. I hate not having control of a situation. I am a planner, an organizer. I like to know the precise timing of everything. 

In these times, where fear overcomes me, I can hear my parent's comforting words of wisdom, "Whatever happens is in God's hands". How true this is. He has brought me this far. Lord willing, He will continue to carry me through. So, I will turn in for the night. I will snuggle with my precious, Willow. In the morning I will sneak a kiss on each of my girls heads and I will whisper "I love you" as I leave for surgery.  Knowing that I am not in control.....God is.