A NEW CHALLENGE
Originally, I used this site to blog about my cancer journey. But, I have faced so many more challenges than just cancer. So, my blogging venture continues.
Last April, I started out on a new journey. Normally, I find journeys to be exciting. But, this venture was different. This journey had me terrified. This would be the start of me being a single mother.
April 7, 2017
As I pulled up to the court house, I was shaking. I parked my car and stopped to take a few deep breaths. I glanced in the rearview mirror and told myself I could do this. All I had to do was walk in to the courthouse and file for custody.
I got out of my car, walked over to meter, and paid for parking. I remember the security guard making a joke about my wallet being full of receipts and suggesting that I get a box to keep the receipts in. It didn't take long for me to figure out where I needed to go and what papers I needed to file. When I was finished, I practically ran out of the court house.
I pulled away from the courthouse and rushed home. I had to get the girls, myself and a few of our belongings out before their dad - who for the sake of his identity will be called Mr. Miserable or Mr. M - came home.
You see, life was not the facade I put up on facebook or instagram for the world to see. Life was a struggle. Life had become what it was prior to cancer. But this time, not only was I being affected by the behaviors of Mr. M, but so were my children.
When Mr. M came home, a few men from my church were sitting in my living room with me. I had them there because I did not know what reaction I would get. I told Mr. M that I was leaving and that I had filed for custody of our children. I would be going to a safe house. Now, Mr. M doesn't get his name from being Mr. Happy Pants, so you can imagine the response I received. He muttered a few things, took off his wedding ring and threw it at my head. I ducked just in time and the ring bounced off the window and fell to the window sill. Mr. M. stormed out of the house, slamming the door and squealing his tires, as he pulled out of our driveway. I was shaking. I was terrified. But, at the same time I was relieved. The hardest part was over. Or so I thought.
Fast forward ten months and here we are. I am sitting on my couch that was given to me. Staring at my computer screen. My house is in shambles, for the umpteenth time this week. Yes, I said week. One of my darlings, has been pooping her pants at least 3 times so far this week. Not because she is sick, but because she doesn't want to stop whatever it is she is doing to go to the bathroom. I mean come on. It is much easier to have mama clean it up for you. Now, I have a bathroom to clean. A mountain of laundry to fold and put away. On the bright side it is washed. Children are grounded and not listening. Chores are going undone. It is like my darlings are tag teaming with each other to take a day to be not-so-darling. And here I am facing a screen and crying. Everything falls on me. Not that it didn't before, I mean, I was basically a married single parent. But, this week has me at my wits ends. This week I find myself wondering where my strength will come from.
I don't say all of this to sound like I am complaining. I say that because each day life brings us challenges. Challenges are not just when we are sick. This new challenge I am facing is hard. Much harder than I thought it would be. But, with the help of friends, who let's face it - are more like family - I am learning to stand up for myself again. I am learning bring order back to my unruly crowd. I am learning to take back the reigns and be the mother they deserve.
So, Thank you to my friends and family who are on this journey alongside me. Thank you for speaking your mind, knowing it may hurt. I will accept what you say. Life's challenges are hard, but, they sure are easier when you have a village to fall back on. Thanks for standing by me and being with me each step of the way.
Sincerely,
One Hot Mess Mama.
