Happy New Year!

One would think that the virus I had Friday into Saturday or the Chemo I had Thursday would have dampened my spirits. But, I am happy to say, it has not! Yes, I may have a sore arm that is currently enflamed from the chemo and needing benedryl, a warm compress and anti-itching cream. Yes, my body is aching from dancing my tush off with the girls. And yes, I am going to need lots and lots of coffee in the morning. But all these things remind me that I am still alive and breathing. I am still able to enjoy watching my girls dance around the living room, without a care in the world. I can teach a 3 year old to play Chutes and Ladders or an almost 11 year old how to put on eye shadow in a really funky way! I can still rock my sweet 15 month old to sleep. I can watch my 5 and now 7 year old giggle as they play with their American girl dolls! I am alive and breathing thanks to my doctors who were so aggressive in finding my cancer, as well as taking an aggressive stance towards my chemo. We have less than ten minutes until the New Year. We are all camped out in the living room watching the last few minutes of Dick Clarks Rockin' New Years Eve. Waiting anxiously, for the ball to drop so we can run outside and bang some pots together. I would like to thank all my friends who have been so helpful to me and my family. You have all given up a lot of time to help me take care of not only myself but my girls. Thank you for helping me keep my house clean or doing my laundry! Thank you for taking my girls overnight so I could get some rest! I can never repay the kindness that has been shown to me. I also want to thank my family. Mom, thanks so much for taking time to come up here and care for me and the girls while I recovered from my surgery. It was such a wonderful time for the girls to see you! They miss you! Thanks to Dad for holding down the fort so Mom could come here. Aunt Pam, thank you for being a chauffer/babysitter/caregiver to me. I really appreciate it. I am sorry we got you sick for New Years. Hope you feel better. Thank you to all the people who brought us food and wrapped your arms around this family in kindness. Virginia folks, I need a cook book with all your fantastic recipes! To the wonderful ladies who adopted us for Christmas. You truly made this the best Christmas EVER!!! (Ask Sadie, she will tell you!) If I have not named you or thanked you it is not because I don't care or appreciate you. I do. I have a hard time remembering everything! I love each and every one of you! I am so grateful to all of you who have helped me by either letting me live with you, or by leaving your families to come take care of me! Without all of you, I would not be so strong. I wish everyone a happy, healthy and safe New Year. Let's make this year count! Live life to the fullest! Happy New Year and God Bless!

Brighten someones day.

Well, today was a challlenging day. I could only receive half of my chemo. My body was rejecting it. Good thing is I was able to receive half, so no need to go back. I am all done with my Taxol!!!!!! Can I get a woot! Woot! On my hard chemo days I get steroids to counteract all the pain Taxol causes. The Taxol makes it very hard to walk. The first few night, after chemo, I have a hard time sleeping. I do take medicine to help me sleep but that takes a while to kick in. So, instead of fighting to try and sleep I started using that time to pray. And let's face it, with four small girls night time is my only quiet time. I pray not only for myself but also for my girls, as well as friends who are sick or hospitalized. If you follow me on fb, you see a little girl I follow, who is my Misty's age. She will be starting her journey in chemo soon. She has already had brain surgery. She just finished her radiation. This little girl needs your prayers. As she needs her appetite back, so she can gain back weight. I also follow Bringing home the Browns. A sweet couple who prayed for seven years for a baby. God finally answered their prayers. At 34 weeks Heather had her son while husband wean was overseas. She slipped into coma. It has been amazing to watch their journey as she slowly climbs out od this state. Tonight my heart has been heavy, as a pray for a dear lady. She has had a rough year. Right now she is battling for her life yet again. This lady has a smile that will light up the room. I know it was very comforting to see her happy face the first time I sat in the blood chair to have my blood drawn. There she was, across from me, smiling away. It was infectious. Soon I was smiling with her. She has a wonderful family. Please pray for her. Pray for doctors to have the wisdom to help her. When you think you have it bad, look around you and see who you can pray for. It doesn't need to be a long flowery prayer. It can be short and simple. I guarantee it will help you feel just a little bit better.

My Ruthie

My sister, Ruthie, and I share something in common. We both love to write (she being a grammar nazi is far better than I). When we are feeling happy or sad, angry or frustrated, writing seems to help us portray our feelings. One of the many reasons I love her is her positive spirit. Anyone who knows Ruthie, knows she was born a fighter. When I am having a rough day, as I did last Thursday, I think to myself, "this isn't so bad. Think of Ruthie." Ruthie has had more surgeries than I can count. Her head has been shaved several times (and normally it is only half her head that is shaved). We share the same fear of needles and she has been poked by hundreds of needles. Yet, she still has a happy attitude. Nothing gets her down for too long. Ruthie, is only 18 hears old, and has faced many obsticles in her life. She is a true image of strength and courage. She is my hero. She is my inspiration. Here is a piece that she wrote. I had to share it (of course, with her permission) . Enjoy. I am a music box...... by Ruthie Billie Gayle Chaney. Earlier today, I was cleaning my room. I had been wrapping presents in my room for the last few days, and I had created such a mess. Tubes of wrapping paper took up an entire side of my room, a trash can with price tags and other plastic wrappings sat overflowing in the corner, and I had yet to finish unpacking all my stuff from my first semester of college as well. On my dresser, I had all kinds of things strewn all over - my Norton Anthology of Drama books; cards and other mail I had received during my time living on campus that I had brought home to put in The Box; and a music box in the formation of a blue-winged, blonde-haired fairy in a pink dress holding an orb in her left hand as a streak of rainbow ran from her hand to the base of the cloud she stood on, with the words "Expect a Miracle" running across the base. In the process of picking up tubes of wrapping paper, I, being naturally clumsy, didn't pay attention to the way I carried the tubes and I knocked a few things off the dresser onto my floor. When I came back from putting the wrapping paper away, I started to pick up the objects and return them to their location on the dresser. I picked up the fairy, and right away I did a double take because I felt it scratch my hand as I picked it up; I had never had that kind of feeling by the music box in any way before... I looked at the music box and noticed one of the wings was missing. My heart stopped for what seemed like an eternity, and I felt like I would pass out. My most prized possession had fallen apart. It had broken. After ten years of constantly being handled, of being moved from place to place, just one clumsy move on my part had caused the music box to finally shatter. Not to worry - after I spent several hours crying pathetically, the fairy was repaired with superglue and I was smiling again. In that seeming eternity my heart stopped, I realized something important. Having dealt with so many different and often unrelated struggles through recent years, I realize I'm just like that music box. When I was born, I was brand new and special to my parents and family, as well as many other people. I meant something to each person who knew me. Even today, one of my motivations is that I've crossed paths with so many people that I've come to mean so much to and who in turn also mean the world to me. That music box came into my possession the day I first really heard. I remember the excitement I felt as I ran my hands all over it and turned it over and over in my hands as the music played. I realized that the music box meant something to me. It was brand new. It was special. It was BEAUTIFUL. What it stood for, no one would ever be able to even fathom. The music box, before long, was a huge part of me. Wherever we moved, whatever room I stayed in, whatever space I owned, the music box always had a spot where it would be proudly displayed. I am just like that music box. I am one of God's music boxes. I'm here for a reason; I mean something in this world, but to so many people. He's put me in everyone's lives for a reason, just like my parents brought the music box into mine. Just like a music box, I sing a song - by living the way I live. I can go for a long time with my struggles, but every once in a while something will break me. Just like fate had me knock my music box off the dresser and cracked it, some things occasionally cause me to crack. Just like the music box was repaired, with God's help I have been able to pick myself back up again.

the sounds of a child praying is like a sweet melody being played.

As I sat listening to my sweet babies say their bedtime prayers, I could not help but question God, almost arguring with Him. I never planned on having cancer and here are my girls praying "God, make my mommy all better". Of course, it is my daily prayer as well. For who can ever do the "job" of a mother, better than a mother? Who will give them special hugs and kisses as they are tucked in at night? Who will kiss away their pain, the way only a mother can? Who will ensure my children have a relationship with my family in Arkansas? It is nights like these that I allow my mind to run away with me. Yes, I am almost done with my hard chemo. And, yes, I have handled it well. But ......you never know what tomorrow brings. You only know who holds tomorrow. God has a plan for each and every one of us, young and old, big and small. But, sometimes I have a hard time accepting His plan, just as some of you do as well. Whether you believe in God as I do, or "some higher being". I feel it is safe to say that majority of us believe that everything happens for a reason. When I started my journey, I was told I would have ups and downs. I was told to take each day step by step. I was told there are good days but there are bad days. Please, before you jump to conclusions, do not think I have given up. Because I have not. Nor am I depressed. This is just part of my journey, as some of you who have had cancer could vouch. I created my blog as a way for people to see "the ups and downs". A way for people to follow along with me while I travel this road. While today was a great day, starting with music Sunday at church to helping the girls make chocolate covered pretzels. It is the moments that are quick, fleeting and oh, so precious that can send ones mind racing.

Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life - Sophocles

Today, as I watched my oldest at her play "The Nutcracker", I was again reminded how precious life really is. I was also reminded why it is I am fighting this horrible disease. I am fighting for my four babies. I may not be disgustingly wealthy but I feel wealthier than those with diamonds and gold. I have something they may never experience......an undying love between a mother and her children. Watching my baby girl's smile and seeing her run up to me any time she wanted to today to give me a hug gave me such a swelling sense of joy! There truly is nothing more enjoyable in this world than having your children hug you. As a child, I can remember thinking my mom had super powers! She always had energy. She always did so many fun amd cool things. Yes, I have the coolest mom! As I got older, I found myself not wanting to stay in my mothers loving embrace. I wanted to run out the door! As my children are growing, I find myself holding them much longer when I hug them. I find myself looking at how beautiful they are becoming. I find myself wishing that I could freeze time. I am reminded each day of what anchors me to life. The little arms around my neck, the sassy remarks from their mouths, the sound of a 15 month old saying "muah", hearing the words "mommy will you hold me?" and listening to the little whispers that come from their room when they are to be sleeping. All these things remind me of how important life is. I feel people have not lived until they feel the love of a child. For nothing is more precious.

most wonderful.time of the year!

Have you ever felt so overwhelmed with gratitude? These past few months I have thought on more than one occasion that I have been so blessed! I have told you how my friends have opened their home to me as well as taken me to chemo appointments. And I ha e told you of my family filling my freezers! Bit, this week has been one to remember! This past week has been full of people being so kind to me. Saturday, my sister-in-law and Kevin had a fundraiser for me. Not only did they have a fundraiser, but they also organized for an escort to the event! Centre square fire department let me sign the pink fire truck! They also presented me with a very nice donation. The night was so memorable! Normally, we have real tree for christmas. But this year I did not want to hassle with the needles. I decided we would have an artificial tree. Monday, I got a Christmas tree! Aunt Pam took me to a store that had the most beautiful trees! Sadie and I got to pick our favorite one! It is so beautiful! Of course, there is nothing quite like a real tree. But this tree comes close. Our tree is so full, unlike other trees you can see the post, AND, with the click of a button, the lights can either be colorful or white! To top of this wonderful feeling, The Body Serene Day Spa adopted us for Christmas! Tuesday I picked up all the gifts that these amazing people bought my girls. I am so grateful that my girls will not feel let down because of my sickness. Yes, they do know that Christmas is Jesus ' birthday. But they also believe in Santa. Christmas is a magical time of year. So, as I lay here, wide awake, thank you coffee, I can not help but enjoy this feeling! I am soaking up these magical moments. I hope one day I have the same opportunity to help someone else. I hope I am able to ease a burden for them. Whether that is cooking, cleaning or helping with a holiday or special event. I hope to pass on this feeling of being overwhelmed with gratitude!

prayers for Mom -mom

I had my second dose of Taxol and my third herceptin. I am exhausted and a little shakey kn my feet. My good friend April took me to chemo! Bonnie came to the house to sit with my younger babies. I have such amazing people in my life. So kind and so caring. My dear friend, allison, is flying home tomorrow. Allison, I miss you! Have a safe flight tomorrow! It pains me that I am unable to visit mom-mom, Josh's grandmother,(she is in the icu). I would whisper little prayers in her ears. I would tell her everything is ok. I would hold her hand to comfort her. Mom-mom is a strong woman. Lord knows I need prayers for healing. But i would like to ask you to pray for mom-mom. Many of you may not know her, but each time you think of me and my battles that I face, please say a prayer for mom-mom. She was able to help with my kids and they love her dearly. . All of this happened so quickly and she is having a hard time dealing with the "why?". She has always been in excellent health. Please pray for comfort. Mom-mom is now on comfort care. Please keep her family in your prayers as well. Her children have had to explain the severity of her disease, vasculitis, to her and how it has affected her body. Pray for comfort for this family. Romans 12:12 New International Version (NIV) 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. This is a song that what we sang at church yesterday. I thought it was comforting. If I could be by mom-moms side I would sing this to her and hope it would comfort her as much as it did me. http://m.youtube.com/?reload=7&rdm=mdt4cb70c#/watch?v=MzDGvDZxnuw (you may have to copy and paste) MOM-MOM WE LOVE YOU!

Happy Thanksgiving

Today is a day that brings so many wonderful memories from my childhood. As a young girl, I would wake up to the smell of turkey in the oven, stuffing and other wonderful smells. Some of my favorite desserts momma would make were banana pudding and chocolate pie. We all would rush through breakfast so we could watch the "Macy's Day Parade "! Today all but one of my girls (sadie is still sleeping) are sitting here with me, anxiously awaiting the start of the "Macy's Day Parade" (yes, we live near Philly but still carry on the tradition from my childhood and watch the "Macy's Day Parade"). As momma would say, it is the only "real" parade worth watching. Last night, we all gathered around the kitchen table and carried on another tradition. We made Granny's banana pudding! As I watched my girls, I couldn't help but think of how blessed I am to have such sweet babies of my own and a sweet step-daughter. So, allow me to say what I am thankful for. I am so thankful for my parents. They gave me a loving happy home. I am thankful for all my siblings. They make me laugh when I am down. There is nothing better than the bond between a brother or sister. I am thankful for my healthy children. I am thankful for my sweet Faith Anne(thank you Amanda, for allowing her to spend the past week with us). I am thankful for all my friends and family who have given up their time to take care of me and my children when my medicine does not allow me to. I am so very thankful for all the doctors and nurses who have taken care of me. I have been so blessed with such caring people. As you go about your day, remember all you have to be thankful for. It is much easier to focus on the negative. But, today is about ALL that you do have. Happy Thanksgiving!

New Medicine

Well, I had my new medicine (taxol and herceptin) on Thursday. I was there from 9:30 until after 4 pm. I can't complain., though, because I slept almost the whole time. :) so far I have handled it pretty well. I always get super nervous and tend to overthink things when I start a new medicine. The new chemo medicine makes me very tired. The other changes are my fingers are sensitive and my legs hurt. It makes it very hard to walk. Wednesday, I had my port taken out. My echo cardiogram showed a blood clot on the end. Thank you to my dear friend April for going with me and holding my hand. I was awake for the whole thing. But April was there to keep me calm. So happy to have that out. I am so thankful for a great medical team that stays on top of things.

Broken Heart.

While lying in bed, I heard Noelle sass her grandmother. Why didn't j get up and correct her, you ask? Two reasons. One, her grandmother was handling it and two, Willow was sleeping soundly beside me. As I listened to Noelle disrespect her grandmother, the more I became upset. I wanted to run upstairs and put her over my knee (yes. I do believe in spanking, not beating, my children.). But I knew I needed to let her grandmother handle it. Noelle needs to learn respect for other adults. Her grandmother kept asking "Why are you acting like this?" Which Noelle replied, in a very disrespectful tone "I don't know!" They went back and forth for about five minutes. Finally, Noelle gave an answer. One that broke my heart. "Because, I don't want my mommy to have cancer! I want her to get better! I don't like that she is sick and can't do all the fun things anymore! That did it for me I broke down and cried. I held willow sleeping so peacefully next to me. This is not fair! My babies should not have to bear this. It is so hard to be strong when your baby's heart is breaking.

Hurricane Sandy

Today is a great day! I am feeling much better after chemo, although I still get tired easily. But that isn't what makes today so great. While others sit and fret over the storm (hurricane sandy) I am doing a dance! No, not because I love storms, because I don't. But because I get to spend a day with my girls! My dear friend takes my children to her house on the weekends I have chemo. This way I can rest and the girls won't remember me on chemo. By the time they come home I feel better but still need a nap. So, today is great because I feel pretty good and I get to hang with my girlies. To all my mom friends out there, don't think of this storm as though you are "stuck" at home with your kids. Find the silver lining. You have been given a whole day to relax, do crafts, hold your child, without having to rush anywhere. Take this storm as a gift. A gift to treasure your little one(s). One day, you will look at your baby, and want to spend a few precious moments with them, only they may be all grown up by then. Seize the day. Cherish your children. And enjoy Hurricane Sandy. “Too many people miss the silver lining because they're expecting gold.” - Maurice Setterr

childlike

I try my best not complain about what I am going through. Especially when I see stories on facebook about children going through chemotherapy, or I read about bringing home the browns (heart wrenching story to follow). But yesterday was somewhat tramatic. I hate needles as it is. I am learning how to tolerate them though. I know what you are thinking, after four children I should be used to them by now. But I am not. I still ask for the smallest needle. My nurse dawn has been so wonderful. Yesterday, I had a new nurse. Dawn was on another floor training and my nurse yesterday was having a "refresher" in administering chemo. Let me start off by saying she was super sweet. But being someone afraid of needles, I of course got the nurse who poked me not once but, but twice. Then had to have the head nurse come over to readjust the needle (by twisting the needle) because there was no blood return, so it wasn't in correctly. My nurse also dressed the needle with tegaderm, which is something that is done after the needle is properly working. So, yes, I had to have that ripped off while it was attached to my line. Today I go for my shot that will boost my white blood count. It is very painful because it is basically manufactured bone marrow. So even a hug hurts. I may be 28 years old but I feel very childlike today. I would give anything to go home and have my parents hold me. Just like when I was a small child. I try my best not to complain. Things could be worse. But...I am only human. Here is a link to what kind of port I have and the the type of needles that are used, if you are interested. If it doesn't work, you may have to copy and paste. http://www.norcalvascular.com/expertise/pid:305/id:453/ And as always thank you for taking the time to read this. Thank you for your support and continued prayers.

Chemo day!

I always get anxious the night before chemo. I worry that my numbers will be to low and I won't be able to have chemo. I worry about my children. Are they feeling neglected because i am unable to care for them and hug them? I worry about the medicine that I get, the side effects. As long as my numbers are ok,I will be receiving my last dose of the cytoxan and adriamycin! These two medicines really knock me off my feet for at least a week. But hey, by God's grace I have made it through these first two medicines. As long as everything goes well today, I will be starting my next two medicines,, taxol and herceptin, in a few weeks! Wish me luck today and of course please pray!

Give Thanks

Growing up, my mom used to sing a song that I loved, "Give Thanks wth a Grateful Heart". The words are simple. GIVE THANKS WITH A GRATEFUL HEART GIVE THANKS TO THE HOLY ONE GIVE THANKS FOR HE'S GIVEN JESUS CHRIST, HIS SON (X2) AND NOW LET THE WEAK SAY I AM STRONG LET THE POOR SAY I AM RICH BECAUSE OF WHAT THE LORD HAS DONE FOR US (X2) GIVE THANKS... We may not be able to understand why God allows trials and tribulations. But if we stop and think about the wonderful things He has done for us, it might make it easier to accept these trials or tribulations. Today, I am thankful that God blessed me with four beautiful girls. Who knows if I had waited to have children if I would have been so blessed. I also am thankful for the outpour of love and support that people have shown to me and my family. I am so thankul for people opening their home to us while ours is being remodeled. For people giving up their time not only to tke cre of me nd my children but to also help get our home bck in order so we have a safe place. For people wanting to help us financially with fundraisers and donations. Yesterday, Robin, my nurse navigator, called to ask me a question. A fellow survivor, who rode the pink fire truck with me, asked if I would be okay with the idea of her and her company helping us with Christmas! What a relief to know that I don't need to stress about how I am going to get Christmas shopping done for my kids. I do not say it enough but I thank you all for everything you have done or do for us. My challenge to you today is this, as you go about your day take a second to "Give Thanks".

Prayers

It is funny how different each chemo treatment can make you feel. This time around I have felt very sick. My stomach has been very upset. I have a new side effect, acid reflux, from the medicine. I am not able to stomach much. I do not mean to sound as though I am complaining. I am a strong believer in prayer. I also believe that when we pray, if we are able, we should be more specific in our prayers. So, if you happen to read this, could I ask you for your prayers. Please pray for strength, for the acid reflux to calm down, for my stomach to settle, and my appetite to return. Also, my dear friend, Allison is not feeling well. Of you could pray for her as well. April,another dear friend of mine, is helping take care of me while Allison is not well. I am truly blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life.

Thankful

Yesterday, I had my third chemo treatment. I have one more of these two medicines and then I move on to my other two medicines. Yay! While I was sitting there talking to a chaplain, a gentleman walked up. The chaplain knew the man well from the local YMCA. The gentleman, who walked up, recognized me! I couldn't remember his name, but I did recognize him. The last time I saw him, I was reviving my first treatment and he was finishing his last! We talked for a little bit before my medicine took hold of me and made me sleep. Before falling asleep he told me of his daughter who had been diagnosed with cancer, due to the chemo fog I can not remember her name or the cancer she was diagnosed with. Yesterday, I asked the gentleman how his daughter was fairing? He looked up at me with tear filled eyes and a small smile on his face "she went home to be with our Heavenly Father." I fought back the tears. This lady wasn't much older than me, frlm what i could recall. This gentleman is such a wonderful example of how we should live. Tragedy struck him and instead of being bitter he gave thanks (in everything give thanks, for this is the will of Christ Jesus concerning you I Thessalonians 5:18). Before leaving the kind man turned to me and said with a smile on his face " You got this girl. Keep fighting. You got this." So, today, I would like to give a huge shout out to my dear friend, Allison Roberts. She has allowed my family of four small girs, plus myself, to move in with her. We have been here for the past six weeks. Thank you, Allison, for being my rock. Thank you for allowing my young children to turn your world upside down. It takes a special person to open their home for small children when they are not used to having any children around. You truly are a blessing and I am so thankful to have you in my life. Those blessings are sweetest that are won with prayer and worn with thanks.” ― Thomas Goodwin

Pretty in Pink

Today was an exciting day! I rode in a pink fire truck with 4 other survivors! It was so wonderful to see my group of supporters cheer me on. I was all ready to give my speech. But then I looked over at my girls holding a sign that said "I wear pink for my Mom." I had no idea that they were going to have a sign. I tried not to choke while giving my speech but all I could picture was my cheerleaders standing there cheering me on. Thank you to all of you who helped me perfect my speech and those of you who showed up to show your support. I am truly blessed to have all of you in my life. I tried to upload the video of my speech but I can not figure out how to. So here it is for all to read. I am 28 years old and I believe I am one of the few people that can say I am living my dream. My whole life, it was my dream to grow up, be a mom, and to claim the illusionary title "Best Mommy in the world". Today, I am the proud mother of four beautiful girls and I like to think I am pretty good at it. But my dreams suffered a hiccup. You see nowhere in my dreams did ever wish to grow up and battle cancer. That was a surprise I could have done without, but somehow, it is happening. My dreams tuned upside down when I heard those scary words "You have cancer". I don't think anything can prepare you to hear those words. I looked at my four precious girls sitting by my side. I had to fight the urge to scream, to lose control. I had to be strong for them. I had to be strong for myself. On July 17th, I was diagnosed with Paget's Disease of the Breast. Dr. Weiner ran several more tests, including one that revealed Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. On August 9th, Willow's 11 month birthday, I had a double Mastectomy that revealed a third cancer Ductal Carcinoma in Situ, which did not show up on any imaging system. I can not stress the importance of getting yourself check. I never thought in a million years I could get sick like this. But I did. The strongest advocate for yourself is YOU. If you don't fight for your health, then who will? Luckily though, we don't have to fight alone. I have been blessed with the outpouring support I have received from my family, my friends, and my medical team. They have supported me with day-to-day needs. They have supported me physically, emotionally and spiritually. And what has been a huge blessing for me is that they have supported me in keeping my dream alive. I am still a mom and I am able to still enjoy life with my four beautiful girls. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you all. I don't know why God chose me to walk this journey, but He has. i have learned that it is ok to be angry. But what good is it wasting my energy on anger? I need strength to fight and fight I will. I would like to end with a bible verse. 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18 "Pray without ceasing. In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." If I could ask this crowd one thing, it would be to pray, no matter your beliefs. Please pray for me, my family, and all those who are fighting cancer. I have four girls and a dream to live. And I am thankful for that. Yet, they both need a little help. Say your prayers and I will keep fighting.....fighting like a girl.

Dealing with hair loss.

The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. Audrey Hepburn For those of you who know me, know I love my hair. I am hairdresser. The last few weeks of walking around with a shaved head has been an experience. My doctor told me my hair would fall out, most likely between the second and third treatment. I prepared by gettting wigs (thank you Leeann) and letting the girls shave my head! Secretly, deep down, I hoped I would be a rare case that got to keep my hair. I know hair doesn't make a person who they are. But for me it makes me feel girly, it makes me feel pretty. This morning, reality set in. I rubbed my head. As I pulled my hand down, I looked at my palm. There, sitting in my palm was my hair. Not much. Just maybe eight to ten strands. So it begins. My venture into being bald.

Chemo Round 2 Day 2.

Yesterday I had my second round of chemotherapy. I am halfway through my first two chemo medicines! These two medicines are the hardest. I am down and out for about a week. The first dose was harder than the second dose. I am more alert this time around, although I tire easily. It is exhausting to walk to the bathroom and back! I go for my shot today. It is a shot to boost my white blood cell count. Basically, it is manufactured bone marrow. The shot itself isn't too bad. It is after I get the shot that is so painful. I feel as though everything is bruised. The hardest part of this is watching my kids suffer. They are too young to understand any of this. It broke my heart when Misty went a day without eating because she was so upset. It breaks my heart when Nellie starts crying because she wants me better so we can go the park again. I don't fully understand why I had to get sick but I am sure one day it will all make sense. All I can do for now is to wrap my arms around my precious girls, hold them and pray with them. I thank God daily that Sadie and Willow are too young to understand. They are okay with sitting on the couch or in bed with me to snuggle. I pray this is something none of my girls go through, or any sickness like this. It is my prayer that they don't remember any of this.

"Life's a climb, but the view is great" Miley Cyrus "Hannah Montana the movie"

I decided to write this blog as a way to release the anger I had felt when diagnosed and to just let loose. Writing is something I enjoy. On July 17th, my whole world came crashing down. My dermatologist told me I had cancer. I looked at my sweet,innocent girls and felt as though I had failed them. As I left the doctor's office, I did my best to keep a "strong face" for them. I felt as though I had failed because it is my job to protect them. To protect them from the truths of this cold, harsh world and I had failed. Or so I thought. So, please hold the phone, I am not depressed. Once I let the news sink in that I had not 1, not 2, but 3 types of breast cancer, I realized a few things. I realized life is worth living! Don't live life for others - live life for you! I realized that I was given this opportunity. Maybe one day I can help someone else deal with cancer. I can teach my girls that beauty isn't the clothes we wear, or the makeup on our face, or the hair on our head (which is bald right now). Beauty is how we treat people. Beauty is the way we react to things. Beauty is the way we handle life's trials. Ephesians 2:10 "For we are His handiwork, created in Christ Jesus, to do good works, Which God prepared in advance for us to do." God allowed this sickness to happen to me. I may not fully understand for now. But I do know He is in control. I owe Dr. Weiner, his team of other doctors, and his staff everything. They caught my cancer in time. I am so thankful for the aggressive stance they took in finding my sickness and the treatment that followed. So please remember, as Miley Cyrus stated, "Life's a climb, but the view is great." Enjoy every minute of life the ups the downs, the good, the bad. It means you are alive! *Fight like a girl*