the sounds of a child praying is like a sweet melody being played.

As I sat listening to my sweet babies say their bedtime prayers, I could not help but question God, almost arguring with Him. I never planned on having cancer and here are my girls praying "God, make my mommy all better". Of course, it is my daily prayer as well. For who can ever do the "job" of a mother, better than a mother? Who will give them special hugs and kisses as they are tucked in at night? Who will kiss away their pain, the way only a mother can? Who will ensure my children have a relationship with my family in Arkansas? It is nights like these that I allow my mind to run away with me. Yes, I am almost done with my hard chemo. And, yes, I have handled it well. But ......you never know what tomorrow brings. You only know who holds tomorrow. God has a plan for each and every one of us, young and old, big and small. But, sometimes I have a hard time accepting His plan, just as some of you do as well. Whether you believe in God as I do, or "some higher being". I feel it is safe to say that majority of us believe that everything happens for a reason. When I started my journey, I was told I would have ups and downs. I was told to take each day step by step. I was told there are good days but there are bad days. Please, before you jump to conclusions, do not think I have given up. Because I have not. Nor am I depressed. This is just part of my journey, as some of you who have had cancer could vouch. I created my blog as a way for people to see "the ups and downs". A way for people to follow along with me while I travel this road. While today was a great day, starting with music Sunday at church to helping the girls make chocolate covered pretzels. It is the moments that are quick, fleeting and oh, so precious that can send ones mind racing.

Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life - Sophocles

Today, as I watched my oldest at her play "The Nutcracker", I was again reminded how precious life really is. I was also reminded why it is I am fighting this horrible disease. I am fighting for my four babies. I may not be disgustingly wealthy but I feel wealthier than those with diamonds and gold. I have something they may never experience......an undying love between a mother and her children. Watching my baby girl's smile and seeing her run up to me any time she wanted to today to give me a hug gave me such a swelling sense of joy! There truly is nothing more enjoyable in this world than having your children hug you. As a child, I can remember thinking my mom had super powers! She always had energy. She always did so many fun amd cool things. Yes, I have the coolest mom! As I got older, I found myself not wanting to stay in my mothers loving embrace. I wanted to run out the door! As my children are growing, I find myself holding them much longer when I hug them. I find myself looking at how beautiful they are becoming. I find myself wishing that I could freeze time. I am reminded each day of what anchors me to life. The little arms around my neck, the sassy remarks from their mouths, the sound of a 15 month old saying "muah", hearing the words "mommy will you hold me?" and listening to the little whispers that come from their room when they are to be sleeping. All these things remind me of how important life is. I feel people have not lived until they feel the love of a child. For nothing is more precious.

most wonderful.time of the year!

Have you ever felt so overwhelmed with gratitude? These past few months I have thought on more than one occasion that I have been so blessed! I have told you how my friends have opened their home to me as well as taken me to chemo appointments. And I ha e told you of my family filling my freezers! Bit, this week has been one to remember! This past week has been full of people being so kind to me. Saturday, my sister-in-law and Kevin had a fundraiser for me. Not only did they have a fundraiser, but they also organized for an escort to the event! Centre square fire department let me sign the pink fire truck! They also presented me with a very nice donation. The night was so memorable! Normally, we have real tree for christmas. But this year I did not want to hassle with the needles. I decided we would have an artificial tree. Monday, I got a Christmas tree! Aunt Pam took me to a store that had the most beautiful trees! Sadie and I got to pick our favorite one! It is so beautiful! Of course, there is nothing quite like a real tree. But this tree comes close. Our tree is so full, unlike other trees you can see the post, AND, with the click of a button, the lights can either be colorful or white! To top of this wonderful feeling, The Body Serene Day Spa adopted us for Christmas! Tuesday I picked up all the gifts that these amazing people bought my girls. I am so grateful that my girls will not feel let down because of my sickness. Yes, they do know that Christmas is Jesus ' birthday. But they also believe in Santa. Christmas is a magical time of year. So, as I lay here, wide awake, thank you coffee, I can not help but enjoy this feeling! I am soaking up these magical moments. I hope one day I have the same opportunity to help someone else. I hope I am able to ease a burden for them. Whether that is cooking, cleaning or helping with a holiday or special event. I hope to pass on this feeling of being overwhelmed with gratitude!

prayers for Mom -mom

I had my second dose of Taxol and my third herceptin. I am exhausted and a little shakey kn my feet. My good friend April took me to chemo! Bonnie came to the house to sit with my younger babies. I have such amazing people in my life. So kind and so caring. My dear friend, allison, is flying home tomorrow. Allison, I miss you! Have a safe flight tomorrow! It pains me that I am unable to visit mom-mom, Josh's grandmother,(she is in the icu). I would whisper little prayers in her ears. I would tell her everything is ok. I would hold her hand to comfort her. Mom-mom is a strong woman. Lord knows I need prayers for healing. But i would like to ask you to pray for mom-mom. Many of you may not know her, but each time you think of me and my battles that I face, please say a prayer for mom-mom. She was able to help with my kids and they love her dearly. . All of this happened so quickly and she is having a hard time dealing with the "why?". She has always been in excellent health. Please pray for comfort. Mom-mom is now on comfort care. Please keep her family in your prayers as well. Her children have had to explain the severity of her disease, vasculitis, to her and how it has affected her body. Pray for comfort for this family. Romans 12:12 New International Version (NIV) 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. This is a song that what we sang at church yesterday. I thought it was comforting. If I could be by mom-moms side I would sing this to her and hope it would comfort her as much as it did me. http://m.youtube.com/?reload=7&rdm=mdt4cb70c#/watch?v=MzDGvDZxnuw (you may have to copy and paste) MOM-MOM WE LOVE YOU!

Happy Thanksgiving

Today is a day that brings so many wonderful memories from my childhood. As a young girl, I would wake up to the smell of turkey in the oven, stuffing and other wonderful smells. Some of my favorite desserts momma would make were banana pudding and chocolate pie. We all would rush through breakfast so we could watch the "Macy's Day Parade "! Today all but one of my girls (sadie is still sleeping) are sitting here with me, anxiously awaiting the start of the "Macy's Day Parade" (yes, we live near Philly but still carry on the tradition from my childhood and watch the "Macy's Day Parade"). As momma would say, it is the only "real" parade worth watching. Last night, we all gathered around the kitchen table and carried on another tradition. We made Granny's banana pudding! As I watched my girls, I couldn't help but think of how blessed I am to have such sweet babies of my own and a sweet step-daughter. So, allow me to say what I am thankful for. I am so thankful for my parents. They gave me a loving happy home. I am thankful for all my siblings. They make me laugh when I am down. There is nothing better than the bond between a brother or sister. I am thankful for my healthy children. I am thankful for my sweet Faith Anne(thank you Amanda, for allowing her to spend the past week with us). I am thankful for all my friends and family who have given up their time to take care of me and my children when my medicine does not allow me to. I am so very thankful for all the doctors and nurses who have taken care of me. I have been so blessed with such caring people. As you go about your day, remember all you have to be thankful for. It is much easier to focus on the negative. But, today is about ALL that you do have. Happy Thanksgiving!

New Medicine

Well, I had my new medicine (taxol and herceptin) on Thursday. I was there from 9:30 until after 4 pm. I can't complain., though, because I slept almost the whole time. :) so far I have handled it pretty well. I always get super nervous and tend to overthink things when I start a new medicine. The new chemo medicine makes me very tired. The other changes are my fingers are sensitive and my legs hurt. It makes it very hard to walk. Wednesday, I had my port taken out. My echo cardiogram showed a blood clot on the end. Thank you to my dear friend April for going with me and holding my hand. I was awake for the whole thing. But April was there to keep me calm. So happy to have that out. I am so thankful for a great medical team that stays on top of things.

Broken Heart.

While lying in bed, I heard Noelle sass her grandmother. Why didn't j get up and correct her, you ask? Two reasons. One, her grandmother was handling it and two, Willow was sleeping soundly beside me. As I listened to Noelle disrespect her grandmother, the more I became upset. I wanted to run upstairs and put her over my knee (yes. I do believe in spanking, not beating, my children.). But I knew I needed to let her grandmother handle it. Noelle needs to learn respect for other adults. Her grandmother kept asking "Why are you acting like this?" Which Noelle replied, in a very disrespectful tone "I don't know!" They went back and forth for about five minutes. Finally, Noelle gave an answer. One that broke my heart. "Because, I don't want my mommy to have cancer! I want her to get better! I don't like that she is sick and can't do all the fun things anymore! That did it for me I broke down and cried. I held willow sleeping so peacefully next to me. This is not fair! My babies should not have to bear this. It is so hard to be strong when your baby's heart is breaking.